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Hustle Is Posting Right Now: Volume 18 (”Lost In Translation” Edition)

Good lookin out for the graphics work, Noc

“I’m the meanest.. and I mean this.. I don’t mean this to sound fiendish, but I’m a genius..”

L-L-L-L-L-L-Lupe The Killa with the intro line this time out. I may not be a genius, but I’m trying my gosh darnedest to give my readers something different to read, or at least an old idea with a different twist to it. There’s nothing wrong with review columns, preview columns, and things of that nature. Nothing whatsoever. However, there are already people here on the main page of Lords Of Pain that do columns like that (and do it well), and I don’t want to step on their toes. Anyway, you’ve clicked the link, so you should already know it, but for those of you who aren’t quite hip to the game yet, this is “Hustle Is Posting Right Now” that you’re reading. That, of course, would make me the man who has got these niggaz mad cause I’m shinin like a light be.. the man who has an attitude like “fuck it” cause muthafuckaz love it.. the man with the flow that’s opposite of handsome, it’s ugly.. I am Hustle, and I am in the building once again. Shout-out to Will Smith, but damn, the summer (summer, summer) time has just been flying by. I vividly remember 2007 winding down, and now I’m sitting here as 2008 is starting to do the same. We’re way past the halfway point in the year, and now it seems like the days are going by even quicker than usual. You know, before 2009 starts to wind down and I’m still here typing this intro, let’s get it crackin like Humpty Dumpty after he had his great fall. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!

“Kotori!”

“Kotori!”

They’re calling my name. I don’t know how to respond quite yet.

“Kotori!”

“Kotori!”

I had only been in Tokyo for a little under 24 hours, but my promotional tour was already well underway. When I was told that they were trying to get a new era of wrestling over in this country, I really didn’t think they were so serious about it. Here I was, though.. having my very own press conference. Sure, it isn’t a very big press conference, but it’s a lot more than I ever dealt with when I wrestled in America. Hell, it’s more than I ever dealt with when I was wrestling in Mexico, and at the time, I thought I was being treated like some sort of a big rock star there. I wasn’t sure of how to react to all of the attention, and a part of me even wondered if I’d be able to get through it all in the coming months. I mean, I’m not shy, by any definition of the word, but being outgoing is one thing, and having people constantly showering you in attention and complimenting you is another thing. I never was good at receiving compliments from people. Ever.

“Kotori!”

I looked over at the translator that was assigned to me, Mr Fukumoto, and nodded, allowing him to start taking questions. He peered out into the crowd, settling on someone at random, pointing at him politely. The man stood up quickly and started speaking in Japanese. When he was finished, it was translated into English for me by Mr Fukumoto.

“How are you enjoying your stay in Japan so far?”

A simple question. I was hoping for something simple, at least to start the press conference off. It’s better than being asked about quantum physics, I guess. It would’ve been a bad start to my time in the country if I had been left to look like a complete idiot in a roomful of media members of various types.

“Although I haven’t been here very long, I’ve been very impressed with Tokyo, and with Japan, as a whole. This is my first time here, but it doesn’t take long to see the beauty and the wonderful scenery, and the people have been very nice to me so far. I have absolutely no complaints.”

Mr Fukumoto translated my answer back to the reporters. I had just met the guy an hour earlier, so I didn’t know anything about him. He could’ve been telling them that I said to eat shit and die a slow, painful death. It was almost like a game to wait for him to finish translating, and then see the looks on everyone’s faces. They smiled this time. Alright, we’re off to a good start. Another question came.

“How did your journey bring you to wrestle in Japan?”

You know, I think I could deal with press conferences like this. Short, simple, to-the-point questions. Good.

“Before I answer that, I must say that I completely enjoyed my time wrestling in America, as well as in Mexico. I left on good terms, and I’m welcome back any time I would like to go. I had read some things on the internet that were untrue, and I wanted to clear that up. Now, as for why I’m in Japan and what brought me here, that’s an easy one. I treat wrestling with the respect that it deserves. It’s my art. It’s my life. I felt that Japan was the right place to be for someone who has that outlook. The wrestling fans in this country are known across the world for the respect they give the wrestlers and to the business itself. The wrestlers here in this country are known for their approach to their craft, as well as for the dedication they possess in working to perfect that craft. It’s almost as if I was born to wrestle here.”

A lot of approving looks when Mr Fukumoto finished translating. That works for me. Time began to move a bit quicker as the press conference went on, and all the “usual” questions were asked.. ones that ranged from “What do you wish to accomplish before you leave Japan?” to “Have you thought about using some of your wrestling fame to transition into doing television or movies?”, and just about everything in between. After posing for what seemed like 15,000 pictures, I was quickly ushered out of the conference room and into the lobby of the hotel that I was staying at. Did I mention that I hadn’t even been in Tokyo for 24 hours yet? Yeah? Well, did I also mention that I hadn’t even seen my hotel room yet? Yup. When I had arrived at the hotel, I had already been scheduled for a magazine photo shoot, which meant the bellboy got to take my luggage and take it to my new home for the next two-and a-half months, at which point I’d be moving into a cottage near the outskirts of town when it was finished being constructed. From the point of me handing off my bags, it was a non-stop barrage of different interviews, photo shoots, appearances, and then, of course, the press conference. It was hectic, to say the least. I hadn’t experienced anything like that in my entire life.

With my schedule finally at its end for the day, I was given a makeshift itinerary for the next day before being “allowed” to go up to my room and finally get some rest. From all of the reviews I read, this was one of the better hotels located in the heart of downtown Tokyo, which was really saying something. My room was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. The room was also much larger than it probably should’ve been, considering that I was the only one staying there. It could’ve accomodated a family of four quite easily, and it probably could’ve handled their family dog, as well. Everything was top-of-the-line, from the electronics to the bedding. I looked over the itinerary for the next day, and I sighed at the realization that my second day in Japan was going to be an even busier day than my first one was. I didn’t quite understand why I needed to take part in so many different photo shoots. How many people needed my picture, anyway? I had an interesting stay ahead of me, and if nothing else, I’d be able to fill up my MySpace photo albums when everything was all said and done, so I had that to look forward to.

———-

“Aaaaand, in this corner.. from San Francisco, California.. Elllll Coliiiiibriiiii!”

My final match before leaving to Japan. The crowd knew it, and they brought streamers to throw in the ring during my introduction. As hard as I tried to fight it, I couldn’t help but get emotional as I made my way towards the ring, slapping hands with the fans in the front row. My opponent that night was Kelly Martinez. Kelly and I knew each other well, and we’ve both gone on record as saying that we were each other’s toughest opponent. We’d had countless matches against each other. I was a face, Kelly was a heel. I was a heel, Kelly was a face. It didn’t matter, as we’d went at it, one way or another. We stared across the ring at each other before meeting in the middle, face-to-face. There were some flashbulbs going off, but for the most part, there was just a silent buzz that filled the whole arena, as the crowd awaited the match. Kelly always was a rather talkative person, and this time was no different, regardless of whether it was my final match with the company or not.

“This is it.”

“Yeah, this is it.”

“You’d better be ready, because we’re about to tear shit up.”

“I’m more ready than I’ve ever been.”

With that, the bell rang. We did, in fact, tear shit up that night. If it wasn’t the best match of my entire career, it was at least in the top five or so. I didn’t get the win that night, nor would I have expected to. It has long been wrestling tradition (for the most part) that a wrestler who is departing a company lose their final match. In some cases, the wrestler will lose a string of matches to end their time with the company, but I was lucky to just get the single loss on my way out the door. When it was all over, Kelly’s hand was raised as I was slowly making my way back to my feet. We looked at each other, and the crowd started chanting.

“Please don’t go! Please don’t go! Please don’t go!”

I became very emotional again. I didn’t want to leave. I was offered a top spot in one of the biggest and best promotions overseas as my specific type of wrestling was making its return to prominence in Japan, and since it wasn’t set to be a permanent move, I was given the blessing to leave. I stood there, and the tears began streaming down my cheeks like waterfalls. I loved the company. I loved the wrestlers there. I loved all the fans that came out to watch us each and every week. Kelly hugged me, and the crowd’s cheering and chanting just got louder. I was having a hard time thinking because of how loud it was in the arena, even though I’d end up thinking about leaving, which would only wind up making me cry even harder. Kelly raised my arm, and the fans applauded. I was given a mic, and the ring was cleared out so that I could give a “goodbye” speech.

“Wow. I honestly wasn’t expecting so much love from everyone.”

The chants began again, as if they were being cued up from somewhere.

“We-will-miss-you! *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap* We-will miss-you! *clap, clap, clap-clap-clap*”

“I’m gonna miss all of you, too. Seriously. I love each and every one of you.. even when I hated each and every one of you. Thank you for your support. Your support, not only for me, but for the rest of the folks in the locker room here, and for the pro wrestling industry, in general. Without you, there’s no me. Without you, there’s no us. I told myself that I wasn’t going to get too cheesy or give you guys the usual cliche’ stream, but here I am, doing it, anyway. Bottom line.. even though I’m leaving, it isn’t for good. I love this place way too much to never come back. Are you kidding me? I will be back, and it’ll probably be a lot sooner than most of you think. Trust me. Nothing in the world could keep me away from this place for too long. Nothing whatsoever. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I really do love you. Goodnight.”

That was truly a chilling crowd response that I got as soon as I put the mic down. I got out of the ring and went around slapping hands with the fans again as I made my way to the top of the ramp, where the rest of the roster was waiting for me for hugs and a bit of a celebration. More hugs, hand slapping, and kind words awaited me. I even got awkwardly hoisted up on the shoulders of a couple wrestlers. I wasn’t expecting to be lifted, so when I did, I just leaned forward on instinct, and they nearly dropped me. That would’ve been an amazing final memory for myself and for the fans. Cheers, adulation, applause, chanting, *thud*, unconsciousness. Needless to say, that would’ve made the DVD of the event a bit of a collector’s item. People on eBay would’ve had fun bidding on it, that’s for sure. Come to think of it, I probably would’ve put in a bid or two myself.

———-

I looked out the window at the big blur of neon-colored glow that was downtown Tokyo at 1:14am, and I just stood and soaked it all in. Even at such a late hour on a weeknight, there was still plenty of activity going on below. 41 stories below, to be exact. A part of me kinda sorta wanted to go out and join the people that were out and about, but I knew I’d never be able to make it through my next day if I did. I closed the curtains a bit and climbed into bed. The bed that felt like I was resting on a cloud, by the way. I grabbed the remote so that I could watch some TV as I dozed off, and I pushed what looked to be the Power button, based on its size and placement on the remote.

The curtains slid back open.

That, obviously, wasn’t the right button. I looked around the room to see if there were any other remotes, but the one I had was the only one I could see. I pushed the “Power” button again, and the curtains closed once more. Not knowing how to read anything in Japanese, I just randomly picked a button and pressed it.

The mattress began vibrating.

Alright, that definitely wasn’t such a bad thing at all, and I made a mental note to remember, for future reference, which button it was that I just pushed, but just how in the blue hell was I supposed to turn the TV on? I figured I’d give it one more shot, so I pushed yet another button, almost bracing myself for the surprise that was surely about to be heading my way.

I was startled right out of bed when a female voice began speaking in Japanese. I looked up and there were little speakers built in to the ceiling of the room, not unlike the ones you’d see at a restaurant or a grocery store to play music from. Obviously, I couldn’t understand a word she was saying, but it sounded as if she was asking me a question. Just then, I heard another voice. This time, it was a male, and it was in English, albeit really bad and broken English, but it was English nonetheless.

“We can help you?” Room 4115?”

“Umm.. I think I made a mistake. I didn’t mean to summon you or anything.”

He chuckled a bit before speaking again.

“You here first time?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I’m just looking to turn the television on and go to sleep. I didn’t mean to be a bother.”

“You try push button on TV?”

Gee, thanks, jackass. So, this remote could cause my bed to give me a full-body massage, draw my curtains open and then close them, give me my own concierge service, and God knows what else it could do with all the buttons that I didn’t push.. but it couldn’t turn the TV on and off? What sense did that make?

“Umm.. no. I guess I’ll try that now. Thanks.”

“Have good sleep.”

I stopped the mattress massage and just rolled over to go to sleep. I didn’t want to wind up pushing a button and having a group of circus-trained midgets pop out of the closet to give me an impromptu juggling performance, although now that I think about it, that may not have been such a bad thing. Hmm, I wonder what button that would be..

I tossed and turned in the bed for a while, unable to get any rest. I couldn’t quite understand why. I was tired. My bed was more comfortable than just about any bed I had ever experienced before. It was plenty quiet in the room. I just couldn’t get myself to sleep. I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was 2:48am, about an hour-and-a half since I first slid under the covers. I figured I’d call home, seeing as how it was in the middle of the afternoon there. I was starting to feel a bit homesick, anyway, so it only made sense to call.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Hey there. What are you doing up? Isn’t it, like, 1 in the morning over there?”

“Actually, it’s just about to hit 3am here.”

“Even worse. What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

“I’m good. I just couldn’t sleep, so I figured I’d make a few calls instead of heading back out to find some trouble to get into.”

“How’s Japan so far?”

“I haven’t had a whole lot of time to actually stop and enjoy Japan just yet. Everything has been so fast-paced since I got here. This is the first time I’ve had to myself so far, and it just so happens to be in the early hours of the morning, when I need to get some sleep, yet I just can’t seem to get any.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. You know, it won’t be too much longer, and we’ll be out there to visit you, so I hope you’re able to get some free time by then.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll have some time set away for you guys by then. It isn’t gonna be the same here without you. I miss you guys.”

“I miss you, too. We all miss you.”

“What are you up to?”

“Actually, you kinda called at a weird time. I’ve got a late-lunch appointment that I was about to head out for. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not like you knew I was calling or anything. Should I just call you back later then?”

“I think you should try and get yourself some sleep, and then focus on what you’re there for. We’ll be in touch. Don’t you worry about that.”

“Tell everyone that I miss them and that I’m thinking about them. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Definitely. Take care.”

2:52am. Christ, I had hoped it would be a bit longer conversation than just a tad under four minutes. Being alone, so far away from home.. in a place where I didn’t really understand anybody, and they didn’t really understand me, either.. was a bit tougher than I thought it would be.

———-

“Are you sure you really wanna do this?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life.”

“Don’t you think you’re a little.. well.. small?”

“Of course I’m small, but I can’t let that stop me from pursuing my dream. I’d never be able to live with myself if I didn’t even give this a shot. I’ve wanted this ever since I could walk and talk, and now that I’m here, nothing is going to stop me. I’ve learned to look beyond my size, and I’d like it if everyone else could look beyond it, as well.”

“I respect your heart, kid. I’ll train you.”

With those words, my journey began. I was the smallest trainee in the entire class. I was the smallest trainee in the history of this gym, as a matter of fact. We had 18 students that came to train on the first day, almost half of which were gone by the second day. The money they paid to train wasn’t refundable, so I was a bit surprised that people didn’t give it more of an effort, no matter how difficult it was or how much pain they were in. The days went by, and we lost a few more trainees along the way. We were down to five, and that ended up being the final total for the remainder of the sessions. We grew close to each other, almost like a family. Of course, with any family, there was the good and there was the bad, but we all got through it.

In the beginning of the training, I felt like I was being patronized, in a way, as it seemed like the other trainees were being told to go easier on me because of my size. Sure, it meant that I wasn’t as tired or as sore as they were at the end of each session, but I knew it also meant that nobody was going to take me seriously as a wrestler if it continued on. I knew that if I didn’t speak up, it would only continue to get worse, so I waited for the next training session after my realization, when I was put together in the ring with one of the largest and strongest trainees there, and I said something right before it was our turn to go.

“When we get in there, if you don’t give me all you’ve got, so help me God, I’m going to stiff the shit out of you!”

My point got across, and it got across quite nicely. From that point on, I was treated as an equal, and not as some fragile, delicate being based on my size. That’s all I wanted from the very beginning, so I was ecstatic to finally get it. The level of respect that seemed to come my way grew tenfold after that incident. I guess people thought I would try to take advantage of their kindness or something. I never thought I’d be so happy to be getting my ass beaten on a regular basis.

———-

Riding around in the backseat of the takushii (taxi) the next day, I got to see more of the city life that was so beautiful. One of the highlights was going past Ueno Koen park to view the cherry blossoms. It was that time of the year, and they were on full display. I had wanted to see the cherry blossoms in person ever since I them on TV as a child. I’m sorry, but simple things like that impress me. I’m just someone who appreciates beauty, even in things that a lot of people wouldn’t necessarily find themselves thinking about. We were heading to a photo shoot involving me and my opponent for my first match in Japan. The funny thing about it is the fact that, as we were driving to the magazine’s offices, I still had absolutely no idea who my opponent was going to be. I didn’t have a name, any tape to study, or anything like that. I didn’t know if that’s how things normally worked in Japan, but it was just a tad bit strange to me.

We arrived at what looked to be an oversized outhouse, and we stopped. The driver did the hand signal for “here we are”, and I just stared at the run-down building in amazement. It didn’t even look like it should be standing anymore, let alone operate as the headquarters for one of the biggest sporting magazines in all of Japan. Mr Fukumoto paid the fare, and we made our way into the building.

I had to fight myself to stifle laughter once I saw the setup for the photo shoot. I’d already known that the Japanese imagination was a magnificent, and sometimes strange, thing, but this was something else altogether. The stage was set like something straight out of the movie “300″, and judging by the person I had just seen walking by dressed as Xerxes, the God-King, I assumed I had just seen my upcoming opponent. I guess that meant I was set to be dressing up as King Leonidas, and sure enough, I was right. I knew they wanted to get us across as “warriors” of sorts, but my goodness, this was taking things much further than I would’ve ever expected.

The site of me in my slightly-altered Leonidas outfit looked absolutely ridiculous. I mean, I looked great. I always looked great. I knew that. I mean, have you seen me? However, this particular outfit made it nearly impossible for me not to laugh a bit when I looked in the mirror. We were given various props to use, ranging from plastic shields to brass swords, which made the entire thing just that much more comical. Face-to-face with my opponent, we posed for a large amount of photos, and I was pretty numb to the entire thing. I just did as Mr Fukumoto asked me to do, as per his instructions from the photographer and the director of the shoot. I think that Mr Fukumoto could sense my doubts about the entire thing, as every time he looked at me to give me my directions, he had a look on his face as if he were apologizing to me for the entire situation on behalf of his country. When it was all said and done, I changed back into my regular clothes quicker than I even thought was physically possible. I knew I had an hour or two to kill before there was anything else scheduled in my day, so I knew exactly where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. Ueno Koen had itself a repeat visitor on that day.

———-

“I just don’t think it’s a very good idea, that’s all.”

“Why not?? This is what I’ve always wanted to do. You knew that when you met me, and you always said that you didn’t have a problem with it, but now that I’m trying to make it all happen for me, you’re against it??”

“I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I don’t exactly want myself getting hurt, either, you know.”

I didn’t understand why people were having such a big problem with my decisions. They didn’t seem to realize that their negative thinking and energy was only going to make things even more difficult on me, which was, supposedly, what they were trying to prevent. There was so much to be proud of me for.. to be happy about.. and yet everyone seemed to want to focus on the negatives. I hate it when people do that.

“I love you, and I do support the decisions you make, regardless of how it seems sometimes, but you have to be able to see this from my point-of-view this time.”

“I love you, too, and I do see things from your point of view, but I also think that it’s sort of a two-way street. You need to see things from my point-of-view. Just support me and be happy for me. That’s all I can ask of you. That’s all I’ve ever asked of you.”

“Fine. Whatever you want. I stand behind you.”

“I didn’t call to fight with you, or for you to give me an attitude.”

“I’m not giving you an attitude. I just don’t know what you want from me. You know that I’m going to support you in your decision making, even if I’m not completely sold on the ideas that you’re following. This just happens to be one of those times. You’re asking me to just change my outlook on things, like it’s that simple or something.”

“That’s not it at all! I’m just saying that-”

“You know what? This isn’t going anywhere, and it’s only going to lead to us fighting. Call me later, when things have cooled down a bit.”

Not only was I interrupted while I was talking, but I was hung up on, as well. It felt like I was being pushed and pulled in all different directions by different people. It made me start to wonder just who really supported me, and who was only saying that they did because they thought its what I wanted to hear. Before I even saved up enough money to think about training to become a wrestler, I knew that I had people in my life who were against the idea. Family members, friends, co-workers, classmates. It was always the same shit, too. They all wondered if I was too small to make it. Some of them were even caught off-guard a bit, as they didn’t even know I was a wrestling fan, let alone a big enough fan that I wanted to be a wrestler myself.

———-

It was the night of my debut match in Japan, and as the saying goes, I had butterflies in my stomach the size of eagles. I was pacing around in the locker room, and my heart must’ve been beating 20 times per second. One of my biggest concerns was the fact that “calling a match” wasn’t anywhere near as big in Japan as it was elsewhere. A lot of matches were “called” pretty much on the fly. That was a problem, seeing as how I didn’t understand, nor speak, a bit of Japanese. From what little research I had done, there weren’t many people in this company that understood or spoke English, and the ones that did weren’t set to be in the ring with me any time soon. The company’s promoter, Mr Hayashi, saw me pacing and walked over to me.

“What wrong? You no need nervous.”

Great. More broken English.

“I just want to make sure that I go out there and make everyone happy.”

“Work on make self happy first. You happy, people happy for you.”

Wait.. was his name Mr Hayashi or Mr Miyagi? That was deep.

“You’re right. Thank you.”

With that, he was on his way. My opponent that night was Shark Ishikawa. Shark wasn’t one of the top names in the company, but was still a respected veteran. I knew we were going to be the second match of the night, so there wasn’t much time to do much thinking, as the show was starting, and we’d be up before I knew it. Several of us were gathered around a monitor as we watched the night’s opening match. Once the final sequence was over, I went off to the side to stretch and get myself into the proper mood for my match. After about 10 minutes, Shark’s music hit, and I knew it was time to really get myself into the “zone”. Once Shark was in the ring, my music hit. It was some generic-sounding rock music that I knew I’d be asking to get changed as soon as possible. Of course, I couldn’t understand damn near anything the ring announcer was saying, but I knew my cue to walk out was when he said “Koooootooooorrrrriiiii!”, so I listened closely for it and followed my cue. The crowd reaction was subdued, but respectful, just as I expected it would be. That’s generally how the fans in Japan are, which can sometimes be jarring for wrestlers coming from countries that have wild and crazy fans. I got the streamer treatment when I got into the ring, which did surprise me a bit, as I figured I would have to win them over a bit more before something like that took place.

As the match itself got underway, my previous worries were proven to be for good reason. I was whipped into the ropes, and as I was coming back towards Shark, I thought I noticed the sign to do a leapfrog and to continue running, but at the exact moment that I jumped, Shark did, as well, and we crashed into each other rather hard. There was some quiet laughter from some in the crowd, but not from Shark. Oh, no, not from Shark. In fact, Shark looked pissed and ready to tear my head from my shoulders. There were a few more brief moments of miscommunication between Shark and I after that, but nothing anywhere near like that first one. All things considered, I’d say the match went pretty well. I was honored to be given a victory over a respected veteran in my debut match, and it may have even surprised some of the fans in attendance. My hand was raised, and I looked into the crowd and saw more than a few people applauding in a half-hearted way. Don’t get me wrong, though, as there were still plenty of people who seemed genuinely happy that I won. I knew I would have plenty of opportunities to try and win everyone over in the coming months, so I wasn’t all that worried about the people in attendance who had any sort of doubts about me. It’s not like I hadn’t been dealing with doubters for years up until that point, anyway.

———-

“You’re quick. Almost too quick for your opponents. It’s almost as if you’re just hovering all around them, quick-striking, and moving around before they can get you back. It’s fun as hell to watch, I’ll tell you that much. In fact, it’s so fun that I want to use it for your name while you wrestle here.”

“What are you going to call me?”

“El Colibri.”

I was basically “The Hummingbird” now, which was fine, as I liked the way that my wrestling style was described to me. Besides, “El Colibri” sounded much better, in my opinion, than “Pajaro Mosca” did, which was another name for “hummingbird” in the Caribbean. At first, the idea for my ring attire would be to have “wings” built into my costume, but I politely shot that idea down. I knew that Lucha Libre was known for its colorful attire, fancy costumes, and over-the-top ideas as much as it was known for the wrestling itself, but I just wasn’t all that thrilled with the idea of flapping my arms up and down on my way to the ring every single time out. Apparently, though, they really wanted to go with the idea in one way or another, as they stitched wing shapes onto my outfit. They gave me a mask to use, as well. I don’t think I would’ve felt right wrestling in Mexico if I didn’t have some sort of mask.

I didn’t wrestle in Mexico for very long, but I made the most of my brief time in the country, wrestling for four different titles in two different promotions, winning one of them. I was also a bit of a trailblazer, as I was the only non-Mexican to wrestle in my divisions, although I do have roots in El Salvador, so it’s not like I was a complete polar opposite of the people in Mexico or anything. Of course, I was billed as being from America, not El Salvador, so it isn’t quite the same, but the point remains the same.

———-

I was on magazine covers. I was making appearances on various television shows, from talk shows to variety shows. I even had a song written about me that charted as high as #4 in the entire country of Japan. My popularity had reached levels that I couldn’t have even imagined in my wildest dreams. I wasn’t a legend or a godly figure or anything, but far more popular than anybody in my situation had ever been in Japan before.

It had reached such a point that I was offered a contract that would have had me relocate to Japan on a permanent basis. On one hand, I missed America. I missed it a lot. I missed the food. Sure, you could go to a McDonald’s or Burger King or Pizza Hut, amongst the other American restaurants in Japan, but it just wasn’t quite the same. I missed the ability to fully communicate with people, even though my Japanese was improving, both in reading and speaking. On the other hand, I was being offered far more money than I’d be able to make wrestling in America, and that’s not even counting the endorsement deals and things of that nature that would only be available to me in a market like Japan. I could also wrestle less dates on a yearly basis to make that money for myself, which was also nice. It actually got to the point where there was a bit of a bidding war going on for my services. It wasn’t like it was when WCW would battle the WWF for free agents, and the contract numbers would reach insane levels, but it still felt good in a selfish way to have companies from multiple countries that thought highly enough of my work to try and outbid each other for me.

In the end, the idea of wrestling in front of my friends and family was just too much for me to pass up. Sure, it was a paycut, but thanks to the escalating bids from both sides, it wasn’t anywhere near as big of a paycut as it would’ve been had I chosen to return to America from the very beginning of the contract talks. I return to America in a few days, and my first match back in the states will be exactly one week after I arrive. I’ve already been notified that I’m getting semi-main event status for my return match, and I even have my very first DVD shoot interview set to be filmed the day after my match. In one of the stranger bits of cross-promotion, I was even chosen to co-host one of DJ Drama’s popular “Gangsta Grillz” mixtapes. It was one of his first Bay Area tapes, as he usually sticks with rappers from the south, but he was going with San Francisco and Oakland-based rappers Ya Boy, Mistah F.A.B. and Keak Da Sneak to co-host. I wasn’t going to turn down a new avenue to attract fans, but it still caught me a bit off-guard that I was asked to co-host a hip-hop mixtape, even with my Bay Area roots. I got all of this press and marketing opportunities only a short time after basically being told that I was too small to ever amount to anything in this business.

Not bad for a women’s wrestler, wouldn’t you say?

Thank you to the following for helping me create ideas for this column:

- “Lost In Translation”, starring Bill Murray & Scarlett Johannson
- My Partner-In-Crime, the one with my BFF bracelet
- Feeling “lost in translation” in life
- Wanting to be elsewhere
- Being different

Thank you to the following for getting me through this column:

- My Partner-In-Crime, the one with my BFF bracelet
- Lemonade flavored Gatorade
- 112’s self-titled debut album
- “Everything” by Lifehouse
- Layla El

Writer’s Note: Thank you. Thank you for being who you are, in good times and also in bad times. I know I say and do things from time-to-time that make things difficult, and for that, I do apologize. I just can’t help myself from wylin’ out every now and then, I suppose. There are times when I don’t deserve for you to be a part of my life, I know that, but whenever I look, there you are, and I’m forever thankful to you for that. I’m sorry for putting you through some of the things that I put you through, and you’re still everything I said you are in the previous two sections. Know that nothing will ever change that, no matter how many fights, how many arguments, or how many disagreements we go through. I do understand that you’re going through a bunch of things in your life right now, and that you really don’t need my baggage at the moment, so I’m respecting that. Either way, though, know that I care. Know that I still have your bracelet. Know that I miss you. Know that I always have your back. Thank you again. You know who you are.

Writer’s Note Part Deux: Thank you. Thank you for listening when I needed someone to talk to. Thank you for the advice whenever it was required, and even when it wasn’t. Thanks for also not making fun of me through certain things, at least not to my face, even though I’m sure I deserved it. I made fun of myself for it, so I know damn well I deserved it from other people. As I said in the last note, I know that I tend to be on the wild side from time to time, and I appreciate it when anybody sticks with me through those times. Thank you again. It really does mean a lot to me. You know who you are.

Writer’s Note Part Tres: To my lil homie, Mavsman.. this is to broadcast the fact that you get those two free shots at any of my favorite sports teams in whatever sport you choose. Could be the San Francisco 49ers, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Hurricanes football, Hawaii Warriors football, or the Cleveland Indians. To sweeten the deal for you, I’ll even extend the offer to particular players instead of entire teams, if that’s the direction you wish to go in. Colt Brennan, maybe? Whatever’s clever, Trevor.

Writer’s Note Part Quattro: “What is that? Who is that? I never heard of it.. I will take your picture and make a “Rest In Peace” shirt of it..” There’s a few of you cats out there that are just begging to be put on a “Rest In Peace” shirt. Some of you Harvey Dent clowns out there have decided you’d like to try and be Two-Face. I have something real special planned for you guys, though, so don’t worry. I’m giving you some time to come clean and to try and repent for your sins, but once your deadline expires, I’ll be putting you on blast. Don’t test me. I’ll make sure I change your life.

Well, damn, that one was different, wasn’t it? It was birthed as an idea in my head, and it was different then, but now that I’ve formulated all my flows and had those ideas typed out, the entire thing was far more “different” than I could’ve ever thought it would be. I hope it wasn’t too “out there” for some of you. One way or another, at least you gotta admit that it was more than just “Why I Like John Cena”.. wait.. I did that one, too, didn’t I? Well, you all get the point that I’m trying to make. Anyway, if you’re reading this, thank you for riding with me on another edition of HIPRN. We just keep on rockin and rollin, ladies and gentlemen. Before you know it, there’ll be some pretty big numbers following the word “Volume” in the column title. Calvin, hope your check-signing hand is ready to go, cause I’m fixin to earn them paychecks. That next check will be earned in 1 weeks time.. same Hustle time, same Hustle page. Until then, however, I’m gone like the Autobahn, nah’mean? From Paradise, I bid you farewell. Aloha and Mahalo Nui Loa.

“Life can change ya directions, even when you ain’t planned it.. all you can do is handle it.. worst thing you can do is panic.. use it to your advantage.. avoid insanity.. manage to conquer every obstacle.. make impossible possible.. even when winning’s illogical, losing’s still far from optional..”

Hustle
HIPRNFeedback@gmail.com
 

 

THE SUPERBOOK!–CHAPTER 4: IDOLATRY

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1 Samuel 2:2 

“There is no one holy like the LORD. There is no one but you, O LORD. There is no Rock like our God…”

 

THE SUPERBOOK!–CHAPTER 4: 

IDOLATRY

Once upon a time, millions and millions of wrestling fans openly worshipped a false God.

In Hinduism, Brahma is the God of creation. Along with Vishnu the preserver, and Shiva the destroyer, these three Gods make up the Trimurti, or “Hindu Trinity.”

However, while Vishnu and Shiva are worshipped, Brahma is not. According to Hindu mythology, Brahma is a cursed God, forbidden to be worshipped.

There are many stories that explain why Brahma is cursed. The most popular reason being Brahma’s unguarded granting of boons, or blessings, to demons. All of the deadly demons in Hinduism attained their boons from Brahma which enabled them to damage the noble virtues of the world. Thus, Brahma was deemed the sole God of worship for demons.

Another reason why Brahma is prohibited from being worshipped on Earth is because of his ego. Brahma is viewed as being responsible for distracting the mind away from the soul and towards the cravings of the flesh.

 

In order to create the human race, Brahma created a Goddess out of himself and named her Gayatri. Brahma immediately fell in love with Gayatri’s extraordinary beauty, and was unable to remove his gaze off her. She would move in different directions to avoid his stare, but wherever she went Brahma developed a head on each side to maintain his lustful leering of Gayatri, which is why he’s depicted as having 4 heads.

Brahma’s obsession of Gayatri, his own creation in his own image, was motivated by desire which confined consciousness and excited the ego. In essence he became gay for his own image, which is where the term “gay” comes from.

Also, Shiva felt that since Brahma created Gayatri, she was his daughter and therefore it was wrong for Brahma to become infatuated with her. Thus, Shiva deemed Brahma unholy and ordered that there be no worship of Brahma on earth.

As a result, there is only one temple on earth dedicated to Brahma as opposed to the thousands for Vishnu and Shiva.

However, during the Attitude Era in WWF, sports arena’s also became temples in which Brahma was unknowingly worshipped by millions and millions of wrestling fans.

Idolatry is the religious worship of idols, which are images of Gods made into physical objects in place of a monotheistic God. Hindus worship through images in which the Divine Spirit is expressed. The image serves as a link between the worshipper and the God as the image is often considered a manifestation of the God. Worshippers call the presence of the God into the image so that they can communicate with him and receive his blessings.

 

The Brahma Bull is a sacred cow in Hinduism named after the Hindu God Brahma who became a cursed God. The image of the Brahma Bull was worshipped by wrestling audiences the same way all Gods are worshipped in polytheistic religions.

 

By worshipping images of Gods made into idols out of stone…or rock.

 

With the image of the Brahma Bull on ‘The Rock’ it is plain to see that The Rock was actually an idol of Brahma, a cursed God forbidden to be worshipped.

 

The Rock Says!…

Devout Hindus bow before idols in temples and even speak to them as if talking to an individual. Of course, these idols are merely stone sculptures which are unable to respond. But it is believed that if there is enough devotion in the heart of the devotee, the God gives a direct response.

 

The most electrifying!…

 

Worshipping Hindu’s will bathe an idol, offer it food, and adorn it with flowers among other things to maintain the idol’s power. The nature of the deity’s power is said to be electric, meaning the idol can produce an electrical current that can be felt by the worshipper when worshipping strongly enough.

 

Since ancient times, It has been believed that the wearer of an image channels the spirit of the image. For example, a man would tattoo the image of a tiger on himself and he would begin to take on the ferocity of a tiger. Likewise, with the image of the Brahma Bull tattooed on him, Dwayne Johnson actually channeled the spirit of Brahma.

 

Upon making his entrance, the Rock would look left and gaze longingly before quickly changing directions and looking to his right, again holding his stare in a forced and deliberate motion, channeling Brahma and mimicking his 4 heads that sprang up to keep his eyes on Gayatri.

As Brahma was channeled through Dwayne Johnson, he proceeded to trick wrestling fans into worshipping him. Hindu’s worship idols by engaging in chanting. The Rock would frequently goad wrestling fans into chanting his name.

“With the millions….and millions of The Rock’s fans chanting his name…” 

Routinely, unsuspecting fans would then proceed to chant “Ro-cky, Ro-cky!” Though seemingly insignificant, by having the fans engage in chanting, wrestling audiences were actually duped into false God worship directed to them under Brahma’s command.

 

The Devil knows you would never willingly worship a false God, so he has to deceive you into it by manipulating your conscience. Shockingly, while the millions…and millions of wrestling fans praised Dwayne Johnson for his electrifying performances, they also inadvertently worshipped Brahma.

 

The raising of one eyebrow was one of The Rock’s biggest trademarks. But before this quirk became synonymous with him, it was always used by villainous characters to signify sinister intent.

Did you smell what The Rock was cooking?

——————————————————————-
Epilogue 

God introduced wrestling to the world when He sent an Angel to wrestle Jacob to gain his salvation. However, through demonic interception, Satan exploited the virtues of wrestling in an attempt to achieve his master plan of sending millions and millions of wrestling fans to Hell with him. Therefore, dear wrestling fans, be wise as serpents as you go out into the arena, lest you be deceived. Amen.

——————————————————————-

…………………………………………………….NOC!
SUPERFANLOP@GMAIL.COM

Batista On WWE Magazine Cover, Ric Flair, Summerslam DVD

- Batista is featured on the cover of the October issue WWE Magazine. The magazine features articles on Florida Championship Wrestler, a tour of WWE’s Titan Tower, and MyNetworkTV promos with Jeff Hardy, The Undertaker, Triple H and Maria.

- WWE will release a Ric Flair Hall of Fame Christmas ornament.

- Artwork for WWE Summerslam 2008 DVD and extras has been released. The DVD will feature WWE SummerFest, SummerSlam Post-Show: Michael Cole interviews Shawn Michaels and his wife, and ECW: Matt Hardy challenges ECW champion Mark Henry. Click here to view the DVD artwork.

Credit: PWInsider.com

*SPOILERS* ECW (9/2) and Smackdown (8/29) Taping Results from Pittsburgh, Pennslyvania

Report by Mike Shannon and PWrestlingNews.com

Dark Match
Jake Hager pinned Jamie Noble in a pretty boring match.

Funaki pinned some guy with sparkling tights with a rollup.

ECW On Sci-Fi for 9/2/08
On the dirt sheet Mark Henry, Chavo Guerrero, Finlay and Matt Hardy have a big confrontation that turns into a big brawl and the faces clear the ring.

Backstage everyone is still brawling so Teddy Long sets up an 8 man tag for later.

Gavin Spears is up next vs. Super Crazy.
Super Crazy wins with a springboard moonsault off the second rope.

Ryan Braddock vs. Ricky Ortiz is next.
Ortiz wins with a splash off the ropes.

8 man tag next. It’s Finaly, Dreamer, Hardy and Evan Bourne vs. Chavo, Miz, Morrison, Henry. The faces all hit their finishers on Henry for the win.

SmackDown! Tapings for 8/29
Undertaker kicks off Smackdown and promises to take Vicki’s soul, then lights the posts on fire and leaves.

R Truth makes his Smackdown debut against Kenny Dykstra to a very small pop and wins with an axe kick.

Maryse and Natayla beat Maria and Michelle McCool. Terrible of course but Maria’s pushup bra adds a star to the match.

Jeff Hardy pins MVP in the best match so far. A long match ended by the swanton and then Shelton comes in and lays them both out.

Hawkins and Ryder start a match with Jesse and Festus but the Big Show comes down and destroys everyone. He promises that he would not be overlooked anymore.

Victoria takes on Brie Bella. Brie wins with a surprise rollup.

WWE Champion Triple H vs. U.S. Champion Shelton Benjamin.
Very mat based match which means it was boring as hell with no crowd heat. Triple H looks very unmotivated. Great Khali comes down at the end to distract Triple H but he still hits Shelton with the pedigree for the win.

Post match Khali lays out HHH and I’m assuming the show goes off the air.

Dark Match
HHH challenges Khali to a Pittsburg street fight.

WWE Monday Night Raw Results 8/25/08

Good evening, and welcome to WWE RAW on SCI-FI!!!
We have Batista VS Kane tonight!!!

CM Punk vs JBL for World Heavyweight Championship

The match starts slowly with JBL taking the early advantage with a lot of holds and a few hard body shots. Punk counters with with some nice sharp kicks, but it is short lived as JBL gains the advantage once again. He slows the pace of the match once again with a few nice holds and a couple of hard shots again. E goes for a high boot to the head, punk ducks out of the way, and goes to town on JBL. The delivers several sharp kicks, including a few in the corner. He drop kicks JBL out of the ring, and follows with a nicely executed suicide plancha into the announce table as we go to the commercial.
After commercial, JBL has Punk in a bear hug, then delivers a nice release belly to back, followed by a shot suplex for a quick 2. JBL starts using an abdominal stretch and slows the match again. He rolls Punk back for another 2 count. Hard short clothesline, another 2. JBL foaming a bit from the mouth, and Punk starts to fight back, but to no avail. JBL lifts punk into the torture rack, but he reverses with a spinning heal kick, that is caught, and Punk gets a sidewalk slam for his troubles. JBL with the slow pace, lifts Punk to the top turnbuckle, smacks him a few times, climbs up to the second rope, but his suplex attempt is reversed into a very high impact DDT by Punk for 2. Punk delivers a nice 1-2-3 combo, followed by a spin kick, the a flying cross body from the top rope for 2 ¾. High Knee, bulldog, and another 2 ¾. The GTS attempt is reversed into a Clothesline from Hell. Covers Punk, 1-2… Punk grabs the bottom rope!!! JBL looks bewildered, leaves the ring, grabs a chair, heads back in, but the ref, Chad Patton grabs it, and Punk hits JBL with the Go To Sleep for the 3!!! Great ending!!! This was a PPV caliber match!! Punk is showing why he is the champ every week.

The CM Punk / JBL angle is starting to get old now. The match was magnificent, though, and the two definitely work very well together.
Winner: CM Punk
4 ½ stars out of 5….

We return from commercial, and Mike Adamle is making an announcement. He shows on the TitanTron some footage from SummerSlam of Batista vs. Cena. She shot shows repeated Batista Bombs to Cena, and Adamle reports that he has extremely herniated discs, and will require surgery, and will be gone indefinitely. Adamle reports that he will name his replacement by night’s end.

Kane cuts a promo about what he’s done Rey Mysterio Jr.

Next shot shows Adamle speaking with Carlos Colon, who says he’s better than Carlito, and that Carlito is a jerk to everyone, including his family.

HBK comes in and asks for some time to prepare for Jericho tonight. Adamle asks how is Rebecca, and is answered by nothing but a cold stare.

Beth Phoenix vs. Kelly Kelly in a non-title match
Kelly Kelly’s music brings us back from break, and she is introduced. Beth Phoenix is introduced, and makes her way to the ring with Santino in tow. Kelly Starts with a headlock, and is lifted to the top rope by Beth. Kelly delivers a kick to the midsection, and after busting Beth’s nose, she gets on the receiving end of a quite vicious beating. He nose is bleeding too heavily for it to be broken, but I am sure that it will develop into that angle soon. Kelly whips Beth into the corner, and attempts to do a back flipping back elbow, but Santino pulls Beth out of the way. She chastises Santino, and Kelly school boys her for the 1-2-3!!!
Winner of the match: Kelly Kelly
Match gets 2 ¾ stars out of 5
After the match, Beth takes Santino down and starts to beat on him, sending him back to the dressing room.

Charlie Haas vs. Primo Colon
Carlito’s music hits, and he is introduced, being billed from Dallas Texas???? They call him “Charlito”… this is Charlie Haas with a bad wig, and an even worse accent. Primo Colon is introduced, and comes into the ring asking “what the hell is this”. Charlie slaps him into the corner, but Primo reverses, and delivers a hurricanrana. Charlie hits Primo with a VERY hard clothesline for 2. Haas with a few hard kicks, the a high side suplex. Rear chin lock applied by Haas. Haas grabs an apple, and starts chewing it, walks toward Primo, and is met with a hard right hand. Primo gets busy with a few dropkicks, a monkey flip, and a splash attempt that misses. Primo hits a flying high cross body and gets the pin… on a high cross body??? What?? Oh well. I guess he has no ending move yet.
Winner: Primo Colon
2 stars out of 5

HBK is shown walking toward the ring as we go to commercial.

We come back to Raw to a replay of SummerSlam’s promo between HBK and Chris Jericho.

Silence, then a HUGE (understatement of the night here) pop for Michaels, who walks out slowly to the ring. No fireworks, no jumping around, no posing…. just Shawn in his cowboy hat, a huge frown, and an attitude. He says nothing for a moment. He says that his wife Rebecca is hurt, but after being married to him for 10 years, she’s tough and will be okay. He says that he tried to believe that it was an accident, but, after watching Jericho on Raw last week with no remorse, he couldn’t do it. He said that the reason that he didn’t turn in his letter of resignation was because it would be too hard to say goodbye. He said that he looked at Rebecca and knew that he was not going anywhere (HUGE POP again)… then Jericho is on the TitanTron. Jericho says that he was asked to not appear on Raw, and that HBK was lucky for that. He says that the last time they fought, HBK walked out of the ring, but next time he’d not leave the ring at all. Says that HBK only wants the match so that he can sue WWE for what Jericho does to him. HBK says that he would go to jail for what he wants to do to Jericho. Said that he would sign any forms necessary for the match… no rules, etc. Jericho accepts the match, but warns HBK to not allow his wife and kids to watch the match. HBK says that his only goal is this one thing :an eye for an eye.
Promo rating 3 ½ stars out of 5. It would have been better, but, it was too long, and HBK is just too funny to pull of the psycho bit effectively… if it were a HHH or Kane, it would have been better received, I think.

Ted DiBiase, Jr and Cody Rhodes vs. Jerry Lawler and Jim Duggan
We come back to Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes being introduced. They walk in without their belts, which were lifted by Cryme Tyme last week. The are visibly distracted by this. Their opponents, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan and Jerry “The King” Lawler come to the ring.
Rhodes and King start it off, but, Rhodes tags DiBiase immediately. DiBiase with a back body drop on King, who returns the favor. DiBiase delivers a few hard shots, and King reverses a body drop. Double team by Rhodes and DiBiase on King after the tag. Rhodes maintains control of a side headlock and arm lock for a while, then answers some punches with a suplex on the King. He slaps King across the face, which cases King to get mad. He beats on Rhodes, then on DiBiase for a sec, then tags in Duggan who cleans house. Power slam… kinda, into a football stance / clothesline. Rhodes breaks the pin, King comes in for the save, and DiBiase his Duggan with that combination “Million Dollar Dream” / Russian leg sweep, hooks both of Duggan’s legs, and this match is over.
Initially, I thought the match was over too quickly, however, they needed it to be short for the upcoming promo. Duggan looked really bad, but Lawler was still very good.
Winners: Ted DiBiase, Jr and Cody Rhodes
Match rating: 2 ½ stars out of 5.
They grab a Mic, and threaten Cryme Tyme. Rhodes told Cryme Tyme that in the WWE, you win championships, not steal them, and they could never do that.
Cryme Tyme is in the stands with the belts. They introduce themselves, and tell Rhodes and DiBiase that they “borrowed” the belts so that they could get a match at Unforgiven. Wow… Shad Gaspar is REALLY bad on the Mic. DiBiase accepts the challenge. The promo is weak to say the least.
Rating 1 ½ stars out of 5, and this leads to a commercial…. Carlito VS Kofi is next.

Batista is in an interview when we return. He says that the match at SummerSlam was one of the toughest if his career. He says that he has nothing but respect for Cena, and hopes he comes back soon. He then says that he’s not intimidated by Kane, and he will win back his belt at SummerSlam, and says that tonight is personal.

Santino Marella vs. Kofi Kingston for the Intercontinental Championship

Santino is introduced first, and the replay of the end of Beth and Kelly’s match is shown. Kofi comes out to a small but respectful ovation. Kofi stars with a schoolboy for 1. He goes to an arm bar. Sholder block by Santino, then a high spin kick by Kofi. Kofi monkey flips Santino, delivers a shoulder, then an uppercut to Santino, then misses a back high cross body. Santino goes to work on Kofi with a face buster for 2. He applies a abdominal stretch which is reversed, and Kofi is flying around the ring again and again. He drops his boots across the chest of Santino, and Santino runs from the ring. Beth stops him, and makes him go back into the ring. Kofi backs into the ropes, Beth grabs his foot, he does a face splash onto the mat, and Santino covers for the pin. Beth and Santino kiss one another in their weird ways, and they leave the ring. Lawler says “This is like Beauty and the Beast, except Santino is the beauty!!!” The ending of the match really sucks, because the action was fantastic. These two worked really well together, and and start to finish match with a clean finish would be very interesting to watch.
Winner: Santino Marella
Match gets 3 ½ stars out of 5. Would be better if the ending didn’t suck.

Mike Adamle comes out and announces that Rey Mysterio, Jr. will be Cena’s replacement, which seems odd considering Kane’s comments lately.

After previewing the upcoming PPV, Batista is show walking to the ring. He faces Kane next!!!

Batista vs. Kane

Batista comes to the ring first to a nice pop, incidentally trips over the 2nd rope coming into the ring, and they show the cover of Muscle and Fitness with Batista on it. Kane is introduced, and comes to the ring with a sick smile on his face. They go back and forth, and Kane takes the early advantage. Kane is HUGE!!! Batista is a big man, but he looks small beside Kane. Batista starts working on the arm of Kane. They go to the mat, and the pace is really slow at the moment. Batista continues to work on the arm of Kane. A couple of big right hands by Batista, some shoulders, another right and Kane drives Batista into the corner. Kane pushes Batista off of the Batista bomb attempt, but gets a clothesline out of the ring. Kane goes outside of the ring and throws a fit. This leads to a commercial break.

Back from the break, Kane has Batista in a rear chin lock. Batista gets to his feet, whips Kane to the ropes, elbows, then kicks Kane in the head. He stalks for the spear, but Kane uppercuts. He attempts the choke slam, Batista counters, then Kane dropkicks the injured knee of Batista. He wraps the knee around the apron, then goes to work on it with repeated elbow drops, then an ankle lock. Kane with a knee breaker on Batista, still very slow pace. Kane continues to work the knee. Boot to the temple by Kane. Kane goes right back to the knee. Batista to his feet, but Kane kicks the knee again. They go out, and Kane kicks the knee against the ring steps. Batista starts to fight back. He attacks with huge right hands, and an ax-handle to the back of the head. Kane hits the knee again. He picks Batista us by the foot, and slams his knee into the ring… Batista weighs 300 easily, and Kane picked him up like he was 110. Batista reverses the knee lock with an arm lock, but Kane gets to the ropes. Kane chop blocks the back of the knee. Batista explodes with a clothesline. Both are slow to get up. Kane up first, charges Batista in the corner, misses, and Batista with a strong scoop slam on Kane. Kane with another charge into the corner that fails. He gets a drop toe-hold into the turnbuckle. Batista charges not once, but twice. The second time, caught in a choke hold. Batista reverses into a Spinebuster, goes for the Batista bomb, Kane to the knee. Kane wraps Batista’s knee around the ring post and grabs a chair. He his Batista’s knee against the ring post with the chair repeated drawing the DQ. Kane with a sick smile. He comes into the ring with the chair, tries to hit Batista with it, and gets kicked in the face. Batista with a spear on Kane, and gets the chair. He hits Kane in the back twice, and wraps his leg around the ring post, and hits it with a chair. He hits Kane’s knee 5 times before collapsing. The show ends with Batista on his back, and Kane getting to his knees in the ring.
Winner of the Match by DQ: Batista
Match gets 3 ¾ stars out of 5… would have been higher, but the DQ killed it for me.

Tonight’s show gets 3 ½ stars out of 5. There wasn’t enough action, but this is par for the course leading up to a PPV. Great buildup for Unforgiven, but a lot more could have been done.
Highlight of the night: CM Punk’s victory over JBL
Low-point of the night: Cryme Tyme’s mic work… ewwwwww.

Thanks for reading my post tonight! I look forward to many more posts in the future.

Why Edge Is Taking Time Off, Undertaker Comes Back Early, Finlay Speaks, Triple H

– The Sun has an article on John Cena’s neck injury. The article also notes that a few WWE main eventer are hurting pretty bad too. One WWE insider told The Sun that Edge desperately needed to take a few weeks off because he’s so banged up. “This is why Edge is taking a few weeks off. He desperately needs to,” the source explained. “His performances on the mic and limited actions kept him OK through the Hell in a Cell Match with Undertaker, but Edge is a man in a lot of constant pain, he just doesn’t want to give up his top spot right now.” Also, Undertaker apparently came back early for his showdown with Edge at SummerSlam. “Undertaker himself came back a little early,” the source said. “His knee is still very sore, and he has to be very careful with it because he’s not a youngster anymore and he could suffer an injury that could put him on the shelf for a very long time.” The wear and tear of WWE’s grueling schedule is taking its toll on a number of other WWE stars as well. “It’s a beat up crew right now, it’s not just the injury bug. The wears and tears of WWE schedule are catching up with everyone.” {Injured Cena out of the WWE}

– The Sun has an interview with ECW star Finlay on his wrestling career and how he initially broke into the business in the first place. Finlay gets a part of his past history wrong when talking about how he went through a table (in a match with Brian Knobbs) and suffered a badly lacerated nerve in his leg, which nearly ended his career. He said it happened in 1998 but it actually happened in 1999. “I’ve only really had one injury, back in ’98 when I went through a table and severed my leg - I almost lost my leg,” Finlay said. “I was out for almost five years, so when I wasn’t doing that I was training guys and girls for WWE.”
{I’ve lived the American dream}

– In WWE.com’s latest Superstar to Superstar interview, Triple H interviews his friend, Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead. {The Game and the rock icon, part one}

ECW Results 8/26/08

Report by Mike Odd and PWinsider.com

ECW starts with Tiffany introducing Teddy Long who proceeds to announce that anything Raw and Smackdown can do, ECW can do better so ECW will be having a Scramble match at Unforgiven and all the matches tonight will be qualifiers.

Match # 1
Matt Hardy vs. John Morrison
Hardy starts off with control, Morrison hits a neck breaker followed by a split legged corkscrew moonsault which he calls The Starship Pain. Hardy avoids that and hits a side effect for a 2 count. Hardy goes for The Twist of Fate, Morrison blocks and throws Hardy from the ring. We go to commercial. We come back with Hardy in a chinlock. We see during the break that Morrison threw Hardy into the steel steps. Hardy fights out of the chinlock but Morrison maintains control. Morrison hits a side Russian leg sweep and goes for The Moonlight Drive, Hardy counters, he attempts it again, and Hardy counters again. Morrison stays on the offense, catches Hardy in a sleeper hold, Hardy fights out, hits a bulldog for a 2 count, and hits an elbow off the 2nd rope. Hardy attempts a Twist of Fate, Morrison counters, Hardy attempts another Twist of Fate, and Morrison counters again. Morrison goes for a crucifix, Hardy counters for a ton of near falls culminating in a double clothesline that puts them both down. Morrison goes for The Moonlight Drive which Hardy fights out of and hits a Twist of Fate for the 3 count.
Winner - Matt Hardy

Mark Henry approaches Teddy Long in the back and says The Championship Scramble is not fair and Teddy tells him life is not fair.
We to to commercial.

Raw Rebound with Rey Mysterio replacing John Cena.

Match # 2
The Miz vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne starts the match off with a quick 2 count, Miz overpowers him, and Bourne fights back for another 2 count. Bourne puts Miz in a hammerlock, Miz gets to the ropes, and Bourne hits Miz with a powerslam for another two count. Bourne with an arm bar; Miz fights out but Bourne stays on the offense. Miz takes Bourne to the outside and rams him into the apron and throws Bourne back into the ring for a 2 count. Miz hits a reverse suplex and hooks Bourne in a scissor lock, Bourne powers out, hits a few high kicks and a hurricainrana for a 2 count. Bourne hits the standing moonsault a continues kicking Miz. Bourne goes for a top rope ‘rana, Miz moves, Bourne bounces off the turnbuckle, and Miz hits The Reality Check for the 3 count.
Winner - The Miz

Chavo and Tommy Dreamer are shown walking to the ring split screen style.

We go to commercial.

Match # 3
Chavo vs. Tommy Dreamer
Dreamer with an early offense, Chavo uses his speed to fight back and catches Dreamer in an abdominal stretch. Chavo attempts an axe handle slam off the top rope, Dreamer counters and hits a bull dog for the 2 count. Dreamer hangs Chavo in The Tree of Woe and hits the drop kick. Dreamer attempts The Dreamer Driver and Bam Neely gets on the apron. Chavo uses the distraction to to counter Dreamer and hit The Frog Splash for the 3 count.
Winner - Chavo

Josh Matthews is shown at The Democratic National Convention with Batista and Candice Michelle.

We go to commercial.

Match # 4
Finlay vs. Mike Knox
During the entrances we see Knox attacking Finlay on Smackdown. Knox overpowers Finlay early on. Finlay throws Knox outside, Knox goes for a clothesline against the post but Finaly moves and Knox hits the ring post. They return to the ring as we go to commercial. We come back to Finaly working over Mike Knox’s arm, Mike Knox rolls out of the ring, Finlay gives chase, and Knox hits a powerslam on the floor. Back in the ring, Knox continues to beat down Finlay and Knox hits a big clothesline for a 2 count. Knox goes after Hornswaggle, Finaly clotheslines Knox outside of the ring, throws him back in and attempts The Celtic Cross. Mike Knox counters and hits a boot for 2. Finlay attempts to hit Knox with the shillelagh, Knox counters, the ref takes the shillelagh away and Hornswaggle throws a 2nd shillelagh to Finlay which he uses to hit Knox for the 3 count.
Winner - Finlay

Report by Mike Odd and PWinsider.com

WWE Issues Statement On John Cena’s Surgery, Buff Bagwell, Mr. Perfect DVD Preview, New WWE Magazine

– WWE issued a small press release on John Cena’s successful surgery earlier today. The press release notes that Cena is expected to return to the ring “in approximately three months.”

Surgery for WWE®’s Cena

STAMFORD, Conn., August 26, 2008 - WWE Superstar John Cena® underwent emergency surgery today for injuries received during last Sunday’s SummerSlam® Pay-Per-View match. The procedure went well, according to renowned Neurosurgeon Dr. Joseph Maroon who performed the surgery. Cena is expected to return to action in approximately three months. Further details can be found at www.wwe.com.

– WWE.com has put a preview of the upcoming “The Life and Times of Mr. Perfect” DVD, which you can see at this link. WWE posted up footage of the chapter on Mr. Perfect’s Intercontinental Championship title run. The chapter then segues into a segment on his feud with Bret Hart.

– Former WCW Superstar Buff Bagwell has apparently inked a WWE Legends deal as Jakks has plans to release an action figure on him as a part of their next “Classic Superstars” line. They also plan on releasing “Classic Superstars” action figures on Jeff Hardy, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Brian Pillman, Tazz, and Jesse “The Body” Ventura.

– Batista is on the cover of the latest issue of WWE Magazine.

Enter The Dream Realm Vol. 61 - Don’t Call It A Comeback

 

Volume Sixty-One – Don’t Call It A Comeback
08/25/2008

Welcome, Dreamers, to the long-awaited, much anticipated, and return-marking Sixty-First Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I am Morpheus, Master of the Dreaming, and I will be your guide through this land of Nightmares and Dreamscapes. Yes, it’s been exactly two years since my last post here on the LOP Main Page, and over a year since the last time the Dream Realm made an appearance in public, though not quite that long since the last time one was half-written, and even less long since one was conjectured. Oh yeah, and it’s my birthday. The M turns 29 on this glorious day, and takes yet one more step closer to the dreaded age of thirty. Booyah. Anyhow, in my time away, many of you likely kept up with the Morphster via the amazingly popular and expensive to host Monday Night Countdown, which at the time of its premature retirement was the best, most-downloaded, and fastest growing wrestling audio show on the internet. Bitch.

For those of you who haven’t kept up with the Dream King through the MNC, I hold little to no hard feelings, so don’t worry about it too much. For people who will undoubtedly ask where I have been, I can sum up the last 2 years with this succinct little description: legal divorce, change in field from Geochemistry to Mineral Physics, car accident, wheelchair for 4 months, work at national laboratories, met a girl, more work, ridiculous amounts of work, 4 published scientific journal articles, married said girl on July 25, 2008 (Happy One Month Anniversary, sweetheart!), working honeymoon, moved offices, new computer, and here I am.

Now, I’m not so stupid as to think that there aren’t at least a few of you out there who have never heard of me and know nothing about who I am, what I do, or what exactly it is that makes me the best thing since Mac n Cheese blow jobs, but fear not my little Dream Realm n00bz, I’ll walk you through it the first time, nice and slow, and when we come out on the other side, you’ll know exactly why they call me The Dream Master. Wow, now that I’ve built myself up to ridiculous proportions, I suppose it’s time for me to write a column that will undoubtedly suck most mercilessly. (I’ll blame it on ring rust. And hangovers. And Random.) So, without any further ado, let’s get down to it, shall we? Let the Dreams begin!

- Line Of The Month: Kurt Angle – “This is Planet Angle now, and shove my flag straight up his ass to prove it!” <– Gay. But funny. But Gay.

- I know a lot of people have been down on CM Punk of late, and how his reign as World Heavyweight Champion is being booked slightly less than cool, and in an almost Rey Mysterio-esque fashion, but I’ll tell you that I’m loving every minute of it. It just sucks that now the title isn’t even close to the Main Event of the show, which is lame, but hey. Personally, I think he gets like 20 badass points for giving an interview on WWE.com while he was getting stitches in his fucking head. Of course, I also have to give mad props to the woman doing the stitching, who managed to pull it off even though Punk wouldn’t keep his damn head still. Kudos to all involved.

- I have to say for the record yet one more time, because it has been so long, that I really hate John Cena. However, I really love Cryme Tyme. In the recent weeks, my favorite ghetto superstars have almost made Cena watchable. Almost. I still mark out for their antics, as do many other people, and thought I think pairing them up with Cena is merely an attempt to get all of the REAL black people to stop hating on his wannabe ways, I can’t knock it too hard because it’s getting CT some precious airtime. Money, Money. Yeah, Yeah.

- Jim Ross’s blog has quickly become one of my favorite things about the entire internet. Here’s a guy who’s been a loyal employee, trench soldier, and major honcho in the WWE and has been shafted by the machine many a time, yet still comes back for love of the game. He’s reached a point in his career now where he is comfortable speaking his mind and being himself, and he’s sometimes brutally honest in his blogs, even if it would go against the “WWE Party Line” at times. If you haven’t checked out his blog at JRsBarBQ.com, I highly recommend it.

- I have to give mad props to TNA right now. I know a lot of people have been bitching about the seemingly random booking of the promotion, but they have managed to stumble upon a good formula for drawing ratings and holding onto viewers: bitches + the funny = profit! I have to admit that the humor they pull in TNA is some of the best stuff I’ve seen in that department, though of course some of it is about as funny as Jerry Seinfeld (meaning, not at all), and I find that not only are the women as a whole in TNA better wrestlers, they also have a tendency to be more attractive overall, as they lack that plastic feel that most WWE chicks have. Honest question: at the end of the day, who doesn’t like a healthy dose of bitches and funny?

- I think that watching this entire saga unfold as it relates to Orton’s motorcycle accident is extremely amusing. The way it looks now, Orton was digging his time off a bit more than the idea of going back to work, so he faked a motorcycle accident to keep him shelved a tad longer, and he’s now running into issues with the fact that there’s no evidence of any such accident having occurred. I would give him props for wanting to spend more time with his new family, but let’s face it; it’s more likely to be a thinly veiled attempt to get around a possible wellness infraction related to recreation during his rehab. Fuckin’ frat boys…

Top Five Entrance Themes of the EVER

That’s right people, along with the Dream Realm comes Counting Sheep, the only countdown outside of the MNC that ever really mattered. Now, the WWE just released their list of the Top 25 Wrestling Entrance Themes of all time, and I have to say that their list was absolute crap, at least according to my opinion, which is usually right. Therefore, I am going to take a poll of all you Dreamers out there and find out exactly what YOU feel are the greatest themes used in wrestling through the ages. Those of you who are members of the LOP Forums can find a poll thread to post your picks in at the following link: http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=3369. Those of you who aren’t members should be, so go sign up!

If you absolutely want to participate in the poll, but don’t want to join the forum for religious reasons, feel free to send me your picks in an email to the address given at the end of the column. Now, be sure to give me your top three choices, ranked in order, and give me reasons for each of your choices, because the best reasons given for the winning themes will be posted in the next edition of ETDR and credited to the person who wrote them. In the meantime, I humbly submit to you my personal choices for the Top Five Wrestling Entrance Themes of All Time.

5. You’re Gonna Pay – The Undertaker – The only way to describe this song is bluesy badass. For those of you who don’t remember this one, it was while Undertaker was sporting the American Badass Biker Gimmick, and the lyrics sum him up perfectly. “Nice guys, it’s said they always finish last, but Bad Asses always kick an asshole’s ass.” Combined with excellent guitar riffs, and this one makes my top list easy.

4. Line In The Sand by Motorhead – Evolution – This song was perfectly scripted to fit the four individuals of Evolution. It was refined in its rocking, reflecting Ric Flair, powerful and driving for Batista, slick and cocky for Randy Orton, and well thought out lyrically, just like Triple H. When you heard this song hit, you knew you were in for the best of the best because the song itself was in fact one of the best of the best.

3. Break The Walls Down – Chris Jericho – Now, while I prefer the remake that Sevendust did of this classic tune to the one they use on TV every week, I do have to admit that this song definitely has ranked up there in my favorites list over the years. It gets you going, and fits Jericho’s often bombastic personality to a T. Prime example of form and function melding to produce fuckin’ awesome.

2. Dark Ministry – The Undertaker – Oh yes, this was Taker’s entrance music when he was playing the Satan role; it started out with his demonic chanting and then led into some awesome badass guitars. With the symphonic sounds in the backgrounds, the ever present bell tolls, and the mariachi horns for effect, this song created a dark, eerie atmosphere almost as mysterious as the Dead Man himself.

1. The Game by Motorhead – HHH – There is one simple fact that remains absolute truth: you have to be a real badass for LEMMY to sing a song about YOU. Now, I know Motorhead have played the part of Triple H’s personal theme song band for the last several years, but nothing will ever come close to topping this original classic. Powerful guitars, badass vocals, and a driving beat all combine to create a song that screams “You don’t know what you just got yourself into, chump.” Definitely worthy of HHH, and my pick for the best of all time.

Don’t Call It A Comeback

All of us at one point in our wrestling viewership have had our interests piqued by either a filmed vignette, or a mention of some Superstar making their way onto the television wrestling scene. Oftentimes, these hype promos can make the difference between a successful first appearance and one that falls flat upon deaf ears and blandly unintrigued eyes. At this point in time, we are being (or have very recently been) treated to vignettes that are hyping the SmackDown! debut/comeback of R-Truth, who once wrestled in the WWE under the moniker of K-Kwik, and just recently we had small splash vignettes letting us know that Maria would soon be arriving on the Blue Brand. These are two of the most recent examples in a long history of these types of video/segment based hype leading to an individual exploding onto the wrestling scene.

This type of hype can be a real boon to a debuting Superstar, but at times can also be less than successful in their purpose of getting the individual over with the crowds. For example, think back to 2004, and the Coming Soon vignettes of Carlito Caribbean Cool. These videos gave us some exposition as to exactly who this individual was, and why we should care about his debut in the WWE; then he appears and makes an immediate impact by winning the US Title from John Cena on his first night out. On the other hand, around the same time, we had the vignettes hyping the debut of Mordecai (most recently known as Kevin Thorne in ECW), and while he had some of the coolest promos leading to his debut, he fell flat on his face because he simply couldn’t live up to the coolness of those videos. And for the sake of me being able to hold down my lunch, let’s not even mention the hype surrounding the debut of God as Shawn Michaels’ wrestling partner at Backlash a couple years back…

Now, as important a role as these types of hype videos and booking ploys can be to the success or failure of a brand new individual coming onto the scene, those of you who read the title of this column know that we are here to talk about something much nearer and dearer to my heart right now than debuts, and that is the art of a successful comeback. Now sure, the surprise comeback is nice once in a while, and can even be successful, as was the case with John Cena’s return at the Royal Rumble this year (even if it did piss me right the hell off), but more often than not it is the build up to a wrestler’s return that really gets the crowd into it.

First posted in the LOP Forums last week…

We’ve all seen, from time to time, the shelving of a wrestler due to one form of injury or another that keeps them sidelined for a variable amount of time. Oftentimes, when it comes time for said wrestler to make their return to the active roster, their return will be hyped by these return vignettes in order to get the viewers and live audiences excited about the returning Superstar. We’ve seen such video packages for guys like Chris Benoit, Edge, Rey Mysterio, and Batista over the years, but no individual has been able to capitalize on the hype surrounding a return from injury better than the King of Kings himself, Triple H.

After a devastating quadriceps tear in 2001, an injury which places most athletes on the shelf permanently, Triple H made his triumphant return to the WWE in January 2002 after a series of hype videos and vignettes that had built his return up akin to the Second Coming itself. The most staggering thing about his return is that despite all of the hype that managed to surround it, he actually managed to live up to that hype and make his comeback one of the most successful campaigns for the gold I’ve ever seen. Triple H went down on the injured list once again at the beginning of 2007 by tearing his other quad, which shelved him until SummerSlam of that year. Now, not only was Triple H the only athlete in history to overcome a quad tear and return to their field of endeavor, but he had done so TWICE after tearing BOTH of his quads. That, my friends, takes buckets of Mick Foley’s patented Testicular Fortitude. Trips once again managed to make a successful comeback from this injury in a big way, and is now riding high as the WWE Champion, as it should be.

There are two individuals in the wrestling world, however, who have been able to capitalize on the comeback hype machine greater than any others throughout history, in my humble opinion. The first of these is the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah himself, Y2J, Chris Jericho. While his initial appearance in the then WWF can be classified as both a return to the wrestling world as a whole, and a debut into the new company, few can dispute the fact that the hype leading up to his debut was masterfully done. The countdown clock leading up to his eventual debut on WWF Television, all of the speculation that ran rampant regarding said appearance, and his initial interaction with one of the WWF’s top stars of all time in The Rock were so well done that it definitely goes down in the books as one of the best uses of the hype machine in my personal history with the Sport of Kings.

Posted in the LOP Forums this afternoon…

Then, after years of wrestling for the WWE, Jericho decided it was time to step away from the business for a while on him own terms, and that left us for over two years without our weekly fix of Y2J. Then, just this past year, the Save Us.222 campaign began, involving all sorts of hidden messages in cryptic Matrix-like video clips. This of course led once again to a flurry of speculation on the internet and in other little corners of the world as to what the meaning of all these little messages were, and they kept us busy for a while as we all worked it out. Of course, it all led up to the return of our New Age Messiah in Chris Jericho, come to save us from the tyranny of boredom reigned over by one Randy Orton. This method of hyping via speculation and controversy has led to great success for Jericho on a couple of occasions now, and solidifies him as perhaps the definitive comeback hype machine success story.

However, while Chris Jericho may have been the first ever Undisputed Champion, there is another man who is no doubt the Undisputed King of the Comeback: The Undertaker. This man has been with the WWF/E for nearly two decades now, and has had nearly that many comebacks, both minor and major, in that time. Something about his persona and the mystique that has always surrounded his character just lends itself to periodic disappearance, only to resurface in the future better than ever, and that’s exactly what he’s done so many times before. One of the most interesting things about the Undertaker’s comebacks in the past is that they have not focused solely on the vignette that has been so popular for other wrestlers. Not only are videos used effectively, but so are props and effects. Fire, lightning, black wreaths, coffins, and many other things have been used to strike fear in the hearts of opponents looking to steal the thunder and the rightful place of the returning Dead Man.

The other thing that is interesting about the various comebacks that the Undertaker has made over the years is that oftentimes he manages to give it a little bit of a twist into the unexpected to keep it intriguing. For example, back in 2000 there were small vignettes leading up to the Judgment Day PPV that had creepy little girls saying “He’s Coming Back” all Freddy Kruger style. We quickly caught on to the fact that they were referring to the Undertaker, but the manner in which he made his return at that event was completely unexpected; not only because it was attacking HHH in the WWE Iron Man Title Match, but also because it was as a badass biker as opposed to the Dead Man we had become accustomed to. Most recently, the Undertaker made his return to the WWE in the Cell with Edge, which we all expected would be one Hell of a match, and it in fact delivered on that. But then, following the match came the unexpected and pretty damn cool choke slam to Hell, complete with fire, which may have been a tad on the cheesy side perhaps, but definitely shocked and wowed the audiences and solidified Taker’s status just one more time as the King of the Wrestling Comeback.

That’s right, not in the Forums, but back on the Main Page!

And we all know the best comebacks involve a little bit of a twist to keep it interesting.

So, for those of you who don’t know me, or don’t remember, please allow me to remind you just who the Hell I am. I am the columnist who quickly rose through the ranks in the LOP Columns Forum to win their prestigious Column of the Month Award, not once, but three times. In a row.

I am the columnist who followed up that record-tying/breaking (depending on which record you are referring to) by winning the third ever King of the Columns competition here at LOP.

Wait a minute, sorry. Wrong one.

That’s better.

I am Morpheus, Master of the Dream Realm, Creator of Nightmares, Lord of Phantasms, and I have been asked to come back from beyond the LOP grave to kick things up a notch around here. The gauntlet has been thrown, my friends, and I will be here each and every month to bring you the absolute best in wrestling opinion to be found on the net; this is going to be fun. Here’s to wishing you all long nights, and pleasant Dreams.

God damn, it feels good to be back.

- Bill Goldberg is making his triumphant return to the world of professional wrestling… somewhere. First of all, I was never all that high on Goldberg, and personally thought he was perhaps the most overrated wrestler since Hulk Hogan. Second, apparently this return isn’t going to be with WWE or TNA, so about 7 people in the States are actually going to see it. Third, he apparently hasn’t trained or done anything physical in several YEARS. This, my friends, is what you call a train wreck waiting to happen. I would love to see him come out, kick, and fall down again. That shit would be priceless.

- So, in the midst of all the firings, I was doing ok, even though they had released Cherry who I had sort of a soft spot in my loins for. Then, on a day that will live in infamy, the WWE went ahead and released three of my favorite lower-card wrestlers in one fell swoop: The Highlanders and good old Stevie Richards. I was grossly disappointed by this news, and shed a small tear before moving on to my next question: How is it that these three guys get released, yet Khali, Mark Henry, and the fucking Boogeyman still have jobs? Balls.

- No, wait. Balls got fired too.

- Matt Morgan’s DNA is being launched into space. Reportedly this is because he is an awesome physical specimen of manliness. So they’re launching his DNA into space. With a rocket. There’s a Peter North joke hidden in there somewhere, I swear to it…

- So, it appears that Killer Kowalski is in extremely poor health and may be on his way out. Kowalski was a hell of a wrestler back in the day, and trained some major stars, the most well-known of which, of course, is Triple H. I had the pleasure of meeting Walt when I was 20 at the Masonic Home in Utica, NY, where I was doing some charity work and he was there as a resident of the retirement facility. He was a really cool guy, and great to talk to, always willing to share stories and listen to those of the people he was talking to. I wish him and his family the best, no matter how events turn out.

- I’m glad that they’ve begun refining the rules for these scrambles matches they are planning for the next WWE PPV. For awhile it looked like it might end up a similar situation to the Hardcore Championship match at WrestleMania a few years back wherein the belt changed hands like 20 times in the 20 minute period, and directly led to Crash Holly being something like a 23-time WWE Title holder. (Just as an aside, the late Crash Holly and I share a birthday on this date, so happy birthday Crash.) That would have been fucking disastrous with the big belts on the line, but on the flip side of the coin would have been the only way The Brian Kendrick would have ever won the WWE Championship. Sorry, Bri. Better luck next time.

- Gail Kim is leaving TNA to head back to the WWE for a more lucrative contract. Does Gail think she’s going to have a similar position in the WWE that she now has in TNA? She is arguably THE top face of the Knockouts Division right now, but in the WWE, which is the land of the Michelle McCools and Candice Michelles, does she really have a shot at that kind of slot on the card, especially considering that the women get much less airtime in the WWE? Remember, Shannon Moore got a better money deal from WWE too… He’s tattooing for a living now. And producing Matt Hardy’s webcam shows. w00t…

Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny

Ever since the early days of the HBO vignettes and specials, and the release of such instant classics as Wonderboy, Tribute, and F*ck Her Gently, I have been a full-fledged member of the D Army. Led by Jack Black on lead vocals and rhythm guitars, backed with the masterful melodies of Kyle Gass on the backup vocals and lead guitar lines, this power duo simultaneously brings the rock and the funny like no other combination I have yet seen. With as funny as all their original stuff was, they managed to step up the ante even further in their big screen debut.

Now, I know this film came out quite some time ago now, but I am always amazed by the sheer number of people I come across who have either not heard of it, or have not seen it, and this is an epidemic problem I hope to begin the correction of here and now. The story focuses on the history of Tenacious D, and how these two rock heavyweights came into acquaintance. Eventually, they hear the tale of the Pick of Destiny, and how it has helped many of this century’s hardest rockers attain massive fortune and fame, and they set out on a quest to obtain the Pick and solidify themselves as the rock giants they rightfully are. Between the hysterical songs, even funnier visuals, and Dave Grohl air-humping while dressed as Satan himself, this movie is packed with non-stop laughter from start to finish, except for a few weird parts here and there that are still somewhat disturbing even now. Overall, though, more than worth the time to sit down and watch it, so make sure to do so at your earliest possible convenience. The Dream Master has spoken.

• Orton got snagged playing hooky like a high school kid skipping homeroom.
• Don’t forget to send in your picks for the Greatest Entrance Themes of All Time, either via email or in the Forums at http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=3369.
• The art of the comeback is one whose impact cannot be underestimated.
• Matt Morgan is launching his DNA into space with his giant rocket. Manly.
• Cuz it’s the PICK… Of Destiny, child. You know it will be rockin’ cuz it’s fuckin insane…

As you slowly return to consciousness, the last whisperings uttered from the lips of the Dream Master encourage you to check out three particularly outstanding columns in the LOP Columns Forum:

Bloodline – Blood Chronicles I-III: A Change of Heart

Ghost – Ghost In The Machine Vol. I: In Hell You’ll Find A Slithering Little Slime

JoeyShinobi – The Shinobi Slam #8: Damage & Joy

This brings to a close this Sixty-First Edition of Enter The Dream Realm. I hope it lived up to par. It’s good to be back. I’ve missed you guys. Especially Steve (Hi ‘Tollah!). Don’t read too much into the egotistical nature of the end of my main topic there, as it was done as a direct example of what makes wrestling comebacks so great. Though I am awesome, for sure. Any feedback you have, as always, would certainly be greatly appreciated and can be sent to me via email at morpheuslop@gmail.com. I hope that those of you that haven’t yet will take the time to check out some of the great writers we have in the LOP Columns Forum. Now. They’ll tide you over until the Dream Realm makes its next monthly visit to LOP Land. Until the next time we do this, sleep well, and I’ll see you in your Dreams!

---

Contact Me!

Email: morpheuslop@gmail.com

Forum Feedback Thread: http://www.lopforums.com/showthread.php?t=3370

Hit me up on MySpace! 

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Ask Your Ayatollah - WWE Column

Hello, all, and welcome to the very first edition of Ask Your Ayatollah. Some of you may know me, most of you probably don’t. Whichever side of that fence you fall on, I do welcome you, and thank you kindly for checking this out. This should be the beginning of quite the interesting run.

For the Ayatollah uninitiated, a brief backstory. I’ve been kicking around this place for over six years, now, mostly bombing through the Columns section of LoPForums.com. I strongly encourage you to click that link and head on down that way for some of the absolute best wrestling writing on the net. They got some damn fine moderators in there, too.

I’ve won a few awards in there, had an unfortunately brief stint here on the main page of Lords of Pain a few years back, and have since done, well, not much of anything. Last time I was up here, outside a couple Fact or Fiction appearances, was in November of 2006 after winning the October Column of the Month contest of that year in, you guessed it, the Columns section of LoPForums.com. Get used to me whoring that out as much as possible. I love that place.

Anyways, after some very strong and quite entertaining convincing by someone I’m rather fond of, I have decided to give this main page writing gig another shot. This time around, though, will be a bit different than your typical wrestling column. For the star of this show, my friends, is you, the reader.

If the title wasn’t a dead giveaway, this will be all about you guys sending me questions and me, well, answering them. Along the way, you’ll see some green text here and there. Nothing spectacular, just a little thing I do where I like to let you guys in on what exactly I’m listening to while I write. Like this. (i believe in a thing called love by the darkness) Spiffy, ain’t it? Well, I thought so.

So, enough idle chatter. Introductions are complete, the format is pretty basic, and you won’t be wondering what the hell’s up with all the green song titles. So let’s rock it, shall we? As this is the debut edition and I have yet to receive any questions from you fine folks, I called upon some of my favorite folks in the, you guessed it, Columns section of LoPForums.com to provide me with the first round of queries. They came with the goodness, as ever, and I do appreciate them all for agreeing to participate. On with the show.

Back to the front.

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Pnk asks…
What do you think of the Kane/Mysterio angle? If you could have seen anything else be done with the answer to Kane’s mysterious bag, what would it have been and why?

Well, I shall answer this question by giving you my actual reaction upon seeing him pull the mask out of the bag. *Ahem*

What. The. Fuck.

Yeah, that about gets it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for anything that gets Kane on my television more often. I love that dude, and even though these weird “tortured soul” storylines they keep giving him get redundant after, oh, I dunno, the 83rd fuckin’ one, it’s still great to see the guy being all productive and stuff. (sweet child o’ mine by guns n roses)

That being said, Mysterio? Really? The little tiny luchador guy? REALLY? I’m not passing judgment on it quite yet, as I like to consider myself an optimistic kinda guy, and I allow that this feud just may wind up blowing the doors off of RAW. Bout as much chance that monkeys will fly out my butt, but hey, I guess there’s a chance. The only part that really pisses me off about it is that they’re probably gonna job the Machine to the little dude, and that’s weak. Really weak.

As to what I’d have rather seen in the bag, well, that’s easy. Is he alive or dead is a very vague question, and could have been intended towards many folks from Kane’s past. Paul Bearer, Taker, other Kane, etc.. I was cool with the mask in the bag, but I’d have rather seen one of the leather variety. One that covers half the face. One that’s black….

and green. That’s right, I wish Kane’s sack (so wrong) would have contained the mask of his greatest…well, most entertaining, tag team partner. The Hurricane. Sugar Shane has been out for a long time, and it would have been awesome to see him come back to stand alongside his big red pal, the Hurri-Kanes reborn.

Yeah, that’s bullshit, though it would have rocked. I just wish it had been his old mask, really. (breakdown by tom petty and the heartbreakers)

Thanks, dear.

sheepster asks…
When the division is filled out well, I really enjoy tag team wrestling. Over the years, I’ve seen many teams that I’ve taken a liking to almost immediately. Some (Edge and Christian) go on to do great things. Others (The Self Proclaimed World’s Greatest Tag Team) sort of fizzle out and never reach anywhere near what you wanted them to do. These days, it’s common for a tag team to be torn apart or released after 2 months… but back when tag teams were awesome, what was the one tag team that you fell in love with but were left seriously disappointed by?

Good question, my oh so wonderful partner in mod crime. I think the team I would have to say I’m most disappointed in would be what was my then favorite team of the era, the New Age Outlaws. They were so all fired up about pushing Billy Gunn that they broke the team up entirely too early, well before their run had gotten stale at all.

Any longtime fan knows what happened next. (interstate love song by stone temple pilots) Billy’s push (and the one after that, and The One after that, and the one…) went over about as well as a fart in churth, and Road Dogg, while a damn entertaining participant in the Hardcore goings on of the time, never really had the in ring skill to stand on his own. They tried to put them back together later when the McMahon/Helmsley Facgime was running game, but much like DX altogether at that time, it just didn’t feel the same.

So yeah, I was a big Outlaws fan, to the point that even when the magic was kinda gone, even when they were VKM or the James Gang or whatever in TNA, I still enjoyed seeing them together. But breaking them up was a big mistake, and the resulting fallout disappointed me more than has the demise of probably any other tag team in the history of the ever.

Thank you kindly, my sheep pal.

Degenerate asks…
How do you think rock music is going to evolve in the next 5-10 years? Do you think some musical genres will emerge on top, as it occurred in the late-90’s / early-2000 (like Nu Metal, Metalcore or Rap-Rock)? Do you think some of those aforementioned genres that have faded will re-emerge? Or do you think that things will remain more or less the same as it is now? (inconclusion by dee snider)

Honestly? I think it’s going to be status quo for the most part. Metal seems to be making something of a resurgence, but that genre has never really been the biggest thing ever, even back when Quiet Riot and Poison were selling out stadiums across the world. And yes, before some disgruntled metalhead writes me, I do feel kinda ashamed of myself for implying that Poison are metal in that sentence.

But yeah, I don’t so much see things changing around a whole bunch. I, personally, am hoping for something along the lines of the grunge movement to come along again. Less emphasis on eyeshadow, looking badass, and being cool, and more emphasis on just making some good fuckin’ tunes. Of course, those things aren’t mutually exclusive, as I enjoy My Chemical Romance a good bit, myself, and think they have a knack for writing some damn fine tunes.

But Nu Rock, Metalcore, and Rap-Rock are all, quite thankfully, dead and buried. We’ll continue on with the metal underground, the radio friendly Seether/Shinedown/Hinder style mainstream rock, and the indie scene will continue to thrive as well as it has over the past few years, probably even moreso. Of course, I’ll still listen to the same shit I always have. Speaking of which… (master of puppets by metallica)

Thank you, sir.

Immunist asks…
Which WWE Diva do you think might actually be a man?

Which Superstar would you be most likely to stalk?

Which Male Superstar stuffs their trunks?

How much pain would the Hunter sell if the Helmsley could sell pain?

Ah, the rapid fire ones. Gotta love ‘em.

Beth Phoenix would be the obvious choice, there, but call me crazy, I think she’s pretty hot. I think I’d go with Jillian. She just looks like she was assembled from spare lady parts in some demented plastic surgeon’s office one drunken weekend. Not a bad looking chick, mind you, but just, like, fake looking.

Hmmm. I think the Superstar I’d be most likely to stalk would be My Ayatollah, Chris Jericho. The dude’s just cool, and has a lot of spiffy stuff going on in his life. Be pretty boring to stalk any of them, though, as you’d pretty much be driving, sitting in airports, and hanging out in arena parking lots for the most part.

If any male Superstar stuffs his trunks, I’d say it’s Orton. Call me a homo all you want to, but dammit, I can’t be the only one that notices that fuckin’ thing all sticking out in every goddamn match. The entirely too small trunks don’t help matters much. Motherfucker needs to invest in a jock. Though someone would likely fill it with Icy Hot as soon as his back was turned. Hell, I would, and I don’t even know the dude.

And not fuckin’ much, sir.

aisce asks…
The John Hughes film Pretty in Pink is based on a misinterpretation of a track by The Psychedelic Furs. If you were to extrapolate an entire movie from one song, what would that song be, and what would be the basic plot outline of your film?

As ever, my friend from across the big pond, you force me to use my brain. (black no. 1 by type o negative)

I’ve always been a massive fan of the album Antichrist Superstar by Marilyn Manson, with the title track standing out as one of my very favorites from his overall body of work. The story behind the album and song is very intricate and, for me at least, mentally stimulating. Good, quite rockin’ tune and album overall, but even moreso when you take a bit of time to look into the concept behind it all. And yes, Manson haters, it was a simple concept album, not his declaration of being the Antichrist and wanting to end all of mankind.

The basic outline would be the story of a young man who has been ostracized and cast aside for his entire life, eventually growing to feel only apathy and hatred for those around him. As this change in perspective took hold, though, it brought with it other changes that had a much larger impact on the world surrounding him. As he came to embrace his hatred, he would be growing into a more powerful entity, drawing those who once mocked and ridiculed him to follow him as he rose to power as a rock star.

Eventually, this power would culminate in his gaining a larger following than any religion, made up of fanatical, cultlike devotees who quite literally worship the ground he walks on. He would then turn against them all, condemning them to a life of misery and hell on earth. Thus the line at the end of the song:

“In the end, know that I have betrayed you. Will be more suffering.”

Don’t know if that was what you were looking for, and I probably just turned a lot of people off with that whole thing. Oh well. I dig flicks like that, but they always seem to be about some demonic kid or something, like The Omen. I suppose this concept would be along the lines of the Left Behind series, only a precursor and from the perspective of the dark side. (antichrist superstar by marilyn manson)

My head hurts now. My sincere thanks to you, aisce, as ever.

Alright, we’ll wrap this first edition up with this one, from probably one of my absolute biggest supporters in all my various endeavors over the years.

The Thurl Formerly Known As Cman asks…
Were you a fan of the Bushwackers? If not, were you admittedly a fan of any wrestler or tag team who no one else seemed to like?

I must admit, I was never really a Bushwhackers fan. I didn’t dislike them, but they just never really appealed to me that much. The licking dudes on the face thing was kinda off, sir.

But yes, I have liked many wrestlers over the years that weren’t exactly among the most popular of their day. For instance, I was always a massive fan of Cactus Jack, long before anyone really recognized him as anything other than that leopard print dude who hung around with Kevin Sullivan. I also was a very, very big fan of the King of Harts, Owen, dating way on back to his High Energy days with Koko B Ware, before nobody really knew or cared who he was.

Those guys became popular, or at least respected, eventually, though. I think you were going more for guys that just flat out never made it, but still hold a special place in my heart. (it ain’t like that by alice in chains) Among that lot, there is one name that really stands out to me, that I always regretted never got a really fair shake during his time on the national stage. That name?

Hakushi

God bless you.

Sorry for the lame Lawler-esque joke, kids. Really, though, Hakushi was a bad, bad man, and had some classic matches against guys like The 1-2-3 Kid, Chris Candido, and most notably, the Exellence of Execution, Bret Hart. The dude was doing moves that wouldn’t be popular among the mainstream wrestling audience for at least two or three more years, and his Japanese Angel gimmick was just all sorts of awesomeness. His stint in the WWF was very unfortunately short, and isn’t really remembered by many.

Of course, his stint in ECW is even lesser known. Justifiably so, as it consisted of all of one match. But ah, my friends, what a match it was. Hakushi, under the name Jinsei Shinzaki, and Hayabusa vs ECW Tag Team Champions Sabu and Rob….Van….Dam. Awesome match, one that managed to steal the show even on a card as stacked as the event, Heatwave ‘98, was. Don’t take my word for it, though, check it out for yourself.

Awesomeness, sirs.

That’s just the first part of the contest, with the second half easily found right there on the same page. Great match, and one that comes highly recommended from Your Ayatollah.

Regardless, yeah, I was, and am, a big Hakushi fan. Thanks for both the question and the pleasant trip down memory lane, Cman.

---

Alright, so that’ll just about wrap it up for this very first edition of Ask Your Ayatollah. I do very much hope you have enjoyed it, and that you are now inspired to pick my brain about all things life, love, music, and especially wrestling.

To do so, all you have to do is click right here: AskYourAyatollah@rock.com

I can’t guarantee a response to every question, of course, as there are limitations to just how far I can take this. However, rest assured that every single question will be read and considered for inclusion among the lot. If you toss one my way and don’t see it in the next edition, have no fear, as it just may pop up in a later round of Ask goodness. Also, please remember to let me know how you would like to be addressed when answering. You want me to call you Jimmy Ray, WhoWantsToKnow@vaguesongs.com, or whatever, I do aim to please.

If you so wish, you can also hit me up via private message on the forums, or via the soon to be created Ask Your Ayatollah Feedback thread in the aptly titled Feedback section of those very same LoPForums. So many ways to hit a brother up, sirs, and I do expect you to do so.

I enjoyed this immensely, I must say. This will probably be a bi-weekly deal for the most part, though I very well may pop in on a weekly basis from time to time. We shall see. Irregardless of that, though, I do very much thank you all for taking the time to check it out. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank that certain someone yet again for both talking me into this and for never failing to boost my ego and encourage me along the way. I don’t know how it will be received, honestly. I figure either it’ll be a rousing success or an epic fail, with no real middle ground. All hinges on you, dear reader. No pressure.

The playlist is ending this evening with Perry Mason by Ozzy Osbourne. Perhaps one of his most overlooked tunes, brimming with badassosity. Yes, that’s badassosity. You shall see me here once again sometime within the next couple weeks, this I promise you. Until that time comes, do take care of yourselves out there in the really real world. Much love, kids.

Fire at will.

-Steve
AskYourAyatollah@rock.com

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