August Column of the Month - The MadRanter by MadChuck
by admin on 29/09/08 at 11:22 am
Every month in the Columns section of LoPForums.com, we hold a contest to determine the best writer of said month, with the winner receiving the opportunity to have one of their columns posted here on the Lords of Pain main page. The winner for the month of August managed to pull off something that only two people have done before him, and that’s win back to back awards. Thus, I’m very proud to give you MadChuck, and his CotM winning column, The MadRanter. Enjoy.
Welcome to the MadRanter, I’m your host MadChuck. Before anything else I want to start this thing out on a serious note. Wrestler Sonny Siaki from TNA has announced his retirement because he has to donate his kidney to his brother Bernard. Without this kidney transplant Sonny’s brother would die. I think that this is an amazing act of bravery, love and sacrifice because without one of his kidneys Sonny will have to retire from wrestling, his lifetime bread winner and something which he obviously loves. Kidney transplants costs a lot of money and the bills for medical check up and care afterwards will cost a lot too. So please, if you are financially able, please show some love and human kindness and visit: www.savebernardsiaki.org. Where you will be able to donate and help out the Siaki family.
Thank you to everyone who sent me emails last month with feedback to my column last month. Thank you. But for TNA or JR fans who just said Fuck you in your emails and then block my return mail and not give me a chance to rebuff or at least find out what upset you the most. I give you two mega Middle Fingers assholes. I fought and I crawled in the Columns Forums in the month of August again, just to have a chance to fucking get back on the main page this month to cuss you motherless motherfuckers out. Who the fuck do you think you are? Fucking sons of arrogant thankless assholes. I rile my brains and sit in front of a fucking PC for hours and hours trying to entertain you and that’s the fucking thanks I get. Fuck You and your families.
I don’t mind that you have different opinions from mine. But don’t just say “Fuck you, TNA is great.” And than block my return mail. That shows that you have a brain fit for a fucking monkey. Shit maybe you do have the brains of a fucking monkey. Because no one with a decent IQ would have been able to sit thru or enjoy the fucking return of the King of the Mountain Jeff Jarrett.
King of the Mole Hill
What a lame ass return, there is nothing heart felt about it. He did not have any electricity during any of his runs and he certainly did not provide any spark in his return as the “founder” of TNA. His return is equivalent to the return of DLO Brown in my eyes. The difference is he got to cut a long ass promo. Jeff says that he founded TNA to give a chance to the young wrestlers who deserved a run in the limelight. Well who the fuck did he really push other than himself. You fucking TNA diehards could mention AJ Styles but how long was he a Champion in TNA, does anyone still remember when it was? What of your precious AJ now? He is just Kurt Angle’s Bitch. He certainly isn’t headlining anything. Samoa Joe and Abyss are the only two that could be labeled a star in the world of wrestling and d that’s about it. Otherwise it’s Kurt Angle, Booker T, Christian and Sting carrying TNA, funny that they all made their name in the WWE. Where are your fucking homegrown TNA talents Jeff? Only two or three homegrown talents from 8 illustrious years of TNA’s existence? It means that either you or the writing staff are doing a terrible job pushing young talent or no one in TNA other than Samoa Joe, AJ Styles and Abyss are capable of being stars. What a pathetic statement you made about building TNA to push young stars who deserve it. I’ll tell you the reason Jeff Jarrett wanted to create TNA, Jeff wants to create TNA to make money and to put himself over. Period. Now TNA can’t be making much money that’s for sure so he failed on that count. As for getting over; Jeff is an upper mid carder at best, he could call himself the King of the Mountain or the King of the Mole Hill but the fact is he cannot draw, and that is the goddamn motherfucking truth.
Jeff Jarett is privileged, back in his teens he was already driving a Mercedes Benz. He didn’t have to prove anything to get anywhere; his daddy is a wrestling promoter and owner of a construction company. I ain’t making this shit up. Go look it up TNA marks.
His return promo was dull and dead. And you know what the funniest part of it all was? After he goes into all this talk about the young blood and everything. He brings in 40+ year old Mick Foley to fight Kurt Angle at Bound for Glory. Fucking pathetic. The segment was so forced. Just look at the way Mick said: “Wow this place is something” Shit. Everyone knows that the TNA set can’t possibly compare with WWE’s. Shit Mick didn’t even look authentic when he did his Bang Bang.
Brooke Knows Shit
It’s a shame that my first claim to shame never made it to the light of day because of the LOP reboot. Before the reboot I was known for my non stop assault on the talent less piece of shit called Bobby Ashley but I’m not going to let my second infamous LOP Forum column go unread. My claim to fame the reason why I was on the main page last month is now printed here in it’s entirety enjoy:
Brooke Hogan Should Be Brutally Raped:
The singer - the daughter of Linda Bollea and her ex-husband Hulk Hogan, real name Terry Bollea - has no desire to pursue a career in politics because she can’t control her raging hormones or PMS (premenstrual syndrome).
Brooke also thinks it would have been “crazy” if Hillary Clinton - who lost out to Barack Obama in the race to be named the Democrat presidential nominee - had become the first ever female US President.
She said on her new reality TV show Brooke Knows Best: “You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kind of crazy that a woman is running because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff.
“Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, because I would be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, you know?”
This is the latest shit that Brooke Hogan has to offer the fucking world. Let me tell you what Brooke. Shut your fucking mouth you fucking privileged bitch. This latest comment proves that you know nothing of this world. I am absolutely sick people.
I mean I am sick of fucking princess slut’s like Brooke who think that they are so smart. Fuck you, you 5 dollar whore. If not for your fucking father, you’d be lucky to get a job at McDonalds. Do you know what you are you fucking bitch. You are one those privileged little bitches who think that you know all that there is to know in life already.
The only fucking reason bitch, that people give a shit about you is because of your dad and his lust for you. You fucking skanky whore. I pray for the day that you get end up being fucked in the ass by big black guys with monster dicks for a bag of coke. You will amount to a hill of shit. You no talent Paris Hilton wanna be.
Fuck you, you suck so much, you give Paris Hilton a bad name. You have the fucking audacity to put on your fucking my space when your brother got thrown in jail that you are pissed that the truth was not presented in court. What is the fucking truth that you know bitch, that you can’t sing for shit. That without your Dad, you’d probably end up being a no name porn slut coke doing junky whore.
Shit I hate you so much that I pray that your brother gets ass raped. Yes that’s what I’m gonna do now. “Oh dear baby Jesus in heaven, hallo be thy name. I pray that Nick Hogan gets raped in the ass.” You may wonder why I do not wish for Whore Hogan to get raped in the ass herself. It’s simple, the dumb bitch would enjoy it.
Take a serious look at her people, tell me how different she looks from other wannabe’s in Hollywood. She is a dime a dozen. Blonde, chubby looking chick with no talent. I hate fucking whores who think they know it all. I pray that her show gets canceled. Than lets see where she ends up. I pray that her fucking bitch father rapes her in bed. Brooke Hogan deserves to be fucked by dogs and horses only, until her fucking cunt bleeds.
I pray that Brooke gets into wrestling. I hope that she tries to do a maneuver from the top rope and end up falling onto the fucking ring post pussy first. I want to see her fucking pussy bleed. Brooke Hogan deserves to never know what pleasures a women should be able to feel. She deserves to never know what an orgasm is. She deserves to have her pussy eaten out by the Boogeyman like he did with Jillian Halls thing on her face. What a fucked up little bitch she has become.
I’m not a huge fan of Clinton’s but for this cunt face to even dare speak about politics when all that she knows is boys and tampons. Fuck you smelly hole. I hope you get raped by Bobby Lashley and Mark Henry at the same time.
In fact this is how it’s going to go down. Bobby Lashley would fucking eat your pussy out while you scream with pleasure, because despite the fact that you are being fucking raped, you do like the sensation, however the horror really begins when Mark Henry comes in and fucks you missionary style, the shear weights of his body ought to crack your fucking cheap white trash whore ribs.
The greatest insult would come later as a bound and gagged Hulk Hogan is wheeled in by Bobby Lashley to witness your punishment, albeit with no pants on. As Hogan watches the two black Adonis take their turns on you, you will look on in horror as you watch Hulk’s usually shriveled up penis throbbing with excitement.
When the two black beasts are done with you, they give you a choice, either fuck your old man, or they will slit his throat. You of course being the bitch that you are refuses to save you old man’s life, but the two black beasts force open your legs as Hulk gleefully fucks you like till he comes in your smelly pussy. If there is a god you should then be impregnated with Hulk’s Incestuous seed.
That is the punishment that you deserve Brooke Hogan. Your show ought to be called, Brooke Knows Shit.
It’s been almost two months since this column came out and Brooke has managed to shut her trap for a bit. But stupidity could just not be hidden. Brooke was asked recently who Sarah Palin was, and Brooke to her eternal credit did not know who she was. Brooke was also recently asked who Dick Cheney was and yeah you guessed it. She didn’t know this as well, and this is the daughter of the supposed Real American Hulk Hogan.
Wrestling Finishers in Real Life Fights.
I’m into thinking about fantasy stuff a lot, and lately I have started to think just what would happen if I where to be in a real life fight. Could I take what I have watched in wrestling all these years and put it to actual use? Could I pull out a wrestling finisher and win a fight? Obviously stuff like Hulk Hogan’s Leg Drop is useless. Where am I going to find some ropes for me to shoot off in real life? I decided to rate against obvious stuff like low blows and chops. I’m purely rating wrestling finishers here. By the way unless you are fighting 10 year olds or retards, run if you are outnumbered!!!
Spear (Edge, Rhyno) – I’m a huge fan of Edge and his quick Spear, but I’m sorry, this move in a real fight, would hardly be a move that could end anything. It could get you in a good position to be on top of the guy when you both fall where you can than proceed to rain down with fists of fury, but other than that this move can’t be a finisher in real life.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Effective as a milk dud.
The Stunner (Steve Austin) – This move would hurt both you and your foe. Done on a concrete floor, and I think it’s and immediate trip to the hospital for hip replacement surgery. The effect of the move on your opponent (if you could get a good grip on his neck in your arms) would be very effective though, I mean hey imagine what it’d be like if someone pulled full force on your neck. Come to think of it this move could be fatal. But because of the potential damage to your hips or possible jail time for manslaughter, I’ll definitely refrain from using this move unless it’s do or die.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Possible Fatality.
Tombstone Piledriver (Undertaker) – This move is near impossible to do unless you are fighting a 10 year old or the guy that you are hoisting up is already near dead. But this move could be fatal or could cause a lifetime of neck and spinal problems.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Almost impossible to perform.
The Superkick (HBK, Shelton Benjamin, Jim Morrison) – In real life this move could knock someone out. But I’d recommend that you have a lot of training before you even attempt to do this one, this is essentially a karate side kick. Do lots of stretching at home and go practice on Palm Trees for at least a month before you even attempt to use this move in real life. It’s an impressive move to use, but if you miss or fall, you’ll end up looking like a joke.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Effective but needs training. Not recommended for lazy people.
The Sharpshooter (Bret Hart, Sting, HBK) – This one comes highly recommended folks, just snap this on someone if real life, and I guarantee you the guy will tap out or apologize to you in seconds. You’ll need to work on your arm strength to fight of the leg kick or struggles from the poor dude, but if you can lock it, you are home. Be careful though, you could snap someone’s back in half with this move.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Highly recommended.
The Crippler Crossface (Benoit): A shit move. It looks great in the ring, but I’m sorry this is a pure wrestling performance move. Benoit’s legs is suppose to act as an arm lock on the guy while his pulls the guys neck, but it’s easy to see that the arms of the guy it’s being put on is actually free to maneuver. It’s just the guy choosing sell the move.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Useless
The GTS (CM PUNK) – Another shit move, this move looks ridiculous in the ring and you’d look like a complete jackass for attempting this one real life. CM PUNK is a fucking loser and so is his finisher.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Useless
The RKO (Randy Orton) – First of all let’s be honest here. This is basically a Stunner but with Randy doing a high jump and landing on his back while Austin takes it on his ass and hips. I think the results from this move would be equally as effective as the Stunner but without the pain on the hips like the Stunner.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Possible Fatality.
The FU (John Cena) – This is such a dumb ass move I don’t know how people could have ever popped for it in the first place. It’s a fucking fireman carry. It can be used easily in a real fight by big strong guys, but would it end a real street fight? No. The recipient of this move may suffer some low back pain. This move’s effects will triple though if the recipient of this move were to be thrown down a cliff or something.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: The effect could be shocking to an opponent’s low back, but definitely not a move that would make someone scared of you and want to quit the fight.
Splashes (Rob Van Dam, Eddie Guerrero, High Flyers in Mexico and Japan) this move would have huge effects if you were to perform it on someone who was already out cold. But unless you knocked a guy’s lights out with the help of some foreign object. There is no way in hell anyone would be slow enough for you to find something to climb on and jump off.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: None, Pure Fantasy move.
The Mandible Claw (Mick Foley, Cactus Jack, Mankind) – Believe it or not this is a real legit move even in the real world. The trick is to apply pressure with your thumbs under an opponents jaw and at the same time apply pressure with your middle and wedding ring finger on your opponents tongue as deep as possible in the back of a person’s throat. The effects of this move could cause your opponent to gag and vomit thus making them totally unable to defend themselves, or in worse cases it could cause a seizure. And no the sock is not mandatory. Though you might find teeth marks on your fingers. Ugghh.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: A very effective move that could cause your opponent to vomit on your hands.
The Pedigree ( HHH ) – This move is very effective, just imagine the shears impact of your face hitting the floor first. This move would end any fight instantly. Of course you are gonna have to beat the guy up a bit first and set him up a bit. But it will be awesome to see this move in a real life fight.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: Highly effective, instant blood and possible KO.
Ankle Lock (Angle / Shamrock ) – If I was to be in an actual fight. This is the move that I’m going to look for whenever I get the chance. I played around with this move with my friends and it hurts like hell. The best lock is when you actually use your legs to clamp on to your opponents thigh too. No one can get out of this. Depending on the level of the hatred for your opponent you could use this time to talk some sense into him/her when him/her has no choice but to listen, or you could just break the person’s ankle and slowly walk away like Cool Hand Luke.
Real Life Fight Ending Effectiveness: My most highly rated finisher, bloodless, you will be pain free. And you can make your opponent whine like a bitch.
Thanks for reading, I hope you guys and gals enjoyed the column. Once again I hope that some of you could take the chance to visit www.savebernardsiaki.org and help out out the Siaki family. We are wrestling fans, if we don’t help out no one will. That’s it for now at the moment from me. You won’t see anything from me up here next month because I didn’t have the time that I wanted to battle it out for column of the month in September. So if you wanna look me up go and check out the LOP Forums.
All feedback is appreciated and please send them to dilnaylomo@yahoo.co.uk
